Sunday, September 1, 2013

Save this sinner

So this is what death was all about? Standing in front of a white-clad radiant being, I was wondering what would come next.

"You shall now be judged and sent to Heaven or Hell based on how you fare on the Seven deadly sins"

"Here! Hey! Wait a minute. I am Hindu and I do not think I am covered under these statutes"

The being morphed into a dark god bearing a mace sitting on an immense buffalo.

"Let us get on with the judgment"

"So, no Seven deadly sins, right?"
"Wrong! Now for the first sin - Wrath!"
"No way! I am a placid sort of chap. Ask anyone"
"Oh! So what was that diatribe about some comment on..."
"Say! Listen Buster! What is this? That nincompoop had the gall to criticize my writing. Which red-blooded.."
"Wrath!" said the being with finality and I spluttered to a silence.

"Next - Gluttony. Remember the time you sneaked the sweet dish from your neighbor?"
" Come on dude! I was hungry."
"After 10 tandoori rotis and half a kilo of biryani?" said the being in disbelief.
"What can I say? I have a good appetite", I said modestly.
"Gluttony!" 

"Next! Sloth"
"Hey come on! Can't a chap even get his forty winks without you getting on his case?"
"Who was it who slept twenty-six straight hours and regretted waking up because his hunger would not let him sleep longer?"
"Oh! Alright! You would think that a chap who does nothing is doing no damage but what do I know? That's a sin too!"

"Next - Greed!"
"Here! Hey! I never was greedy. Never went grubbing for money, never.."
"Who was it that fought to get hold of a book, which he never did read, rather than cede it to his friend who desperately wanted to read it?'
"Uh! Chief! What's this? I mean Greed - for this? Not fair"
"Greed!" he said with finality.

"Pride!"
"Everyone knows I am an humble chap. Just ask.."
"Who went about waxing eloquent about the idiocy of someone else's criticism of his writing?"
"Hey! Man! You already covered it under wrath"
"That shows Pride too!"

"Envy!"
"Ah! Now I suppose you will say that I have been green-eyed whenever I saw someone getting more readers than me"
"Bingo" said the being with relish.

"Lust!"
"Hang on a minute! You cannot mean that. You really mean even Lust is a sin?"
"Yes! What do you have to say?"
"Next Sin please"
"You plead guilty?"
"If guilty is what you choose to call it. Just get on with it"

"We are through with the Seven deadly sins. You are guilty of all and are sentenced to Hell. However..."

I looked up in hope.

"There is an unfortunate hitch. We designed Heaven and Hell assuming that a certain proportion would land in Heaven. You people almost invariably deserve only Hell so there is a lack of accommodation there. Till such time as the renovations are carried out and additional imps recruited, you shall be temporarily lodged in Heaven."

Great! If they planned renovations like roads are planned in India, they will never get ahead of the inflow. I could be permanently in Heaven!

I am taking part in The Write Tribe Festival of Words 1st - 7th September 2013

108 comments:

  1. Well, for most of your sins, we your readers have helped you in your onward journey. And if this is actually what will transpire at Pete's Gate, please reserve a seat for me in Hell too. I stand guilty on all fronts and oh-so-similarly! Those renovations may never be complete! Do quotas work? Reservation for women? Anything? Find out, otherwise, I will just try booking tatkal and hope their site does not break down 200 times as I do it! I hope, in the mean time, you will be on FB/Blogger? :D

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    1. If you want to know if there is Facebook in Heaven or Hell you need to read my 'Heaven in Hell' at http://jambudweepam.blogspot.in/2013/05/heaven-in-hell.html :)

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  2. Thank goodness Humour is not considered a sin, even though your kind is deadly! But I fear, by the reasons you got, we know what fate awaits all bloggers! Thankfully, there is that renovation wala hope!
    Good luck for the next seven days. Would you believe it that I am participating as well?! Me, trying to not be lazy for seven whole days!

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    1. I saw you in the list Rickie and was I glad to see it. At least for seven days we cannot be convicted of Sloth :) And, if my humor is deadly, yours will probably be fatal :)

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    2. You strike the fear of God into me Rickie! It didn't remotely occurred to me that humor could also fall in the category of sin.

      You may say I am ignorant and clueless. I prefer to call it my innocence. :D

      All the sevens you've written until now have been amazing Suresh. Not only in presentation but also in concept. I had not realized there were so many 'seven-es'.

      Dagny

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    3. Thank God there were - else I'd hv been up the creek without a paddle attempting this fest :)

      Thanks Dagny

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  3. I am banking on the renovation bit as well :). Looks like I will miss a few posts! You crazy a-post-a-day people! Don't hold it against me if I cannot comment on all. I have a living to earn :).

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    1. And I thought commenting on my blog was your favorite way to breaking the monotony of your work :)

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    2. I will surely try. I can see many of my friends are indulging in this madness :).

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  4. Wake up, Suresh! You are very much with us and the hell that you are trying so hard to avoid is very much around us! And since few can escape either the hell or the sins you were charged with, we can as well sink ourselves deeper. An exhilarating piece.

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    1. Thanks Uma! Since hell is around us, I might as well try for the temporary accommodations in Heaven, I suppose :)

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  5. Oh lol I absolutely loved this post and is a must tweet, Thanks for visiting mine and look forward to the rest of yours.

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    1. Thanks Suzy! I am not of the twitterati so I do hope you tweeted :)

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  6. I read about these deadly sins in a book recently. I am one of the very few people who liked Inferno. :D

    Heaven or Hell? I am not done living my life of sins as yet. :) Living like a saint here and then entering heaven to continue living like a saint. Who ever looks forward to that??

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    1. Especially when you can sin and still find temporary accommodations in Heaven? :)

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  7. Am guilty of all these sins too, hopefully the To-Do list I made would rectify the situation! :P

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    1. Ah! I only make to-do lists - never act on them :)

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  8. Brilliant post Sir, this couldn't have been better. Hat's off!!!!

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  9. LOlzzz this one had me in splits :)

    Thanks so much for stopping by..looking forward to your other posts!

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    1. Thanks, Me! Looking forward to the rest of the fest.

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  10. Heaven or Hell, Facebook is there na. BTW, don't forget to post pics wherever you are.

    Happy to visit for the first time as WT participant and thanks for coming by my place as well.

    Joy always,
    Susan

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    1. Thanks Susan! I think you visit here for the first time - or, at least, left an imprint here for the first time. WELCOME

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  11. As long as you churn out witty posts like you always do, we shall turn a blind eye to all your 'sins'. We shall also tell the 'morphing' form on the buffalo that wherever they decide to send you, that place will definitely liven up!Happy writing!

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    1. Thanks Ilakshee - that'll be a test of a sense of humor - to keep it when undergoing the tortures of Hell :)

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  12. As long as you churn out witty posts like you always do even Hell is welcome considering thats where I see myself!

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    1. Like someone said, "If you are in Hell, you will be too busy meeting old friends to worry" :)

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  13. hehehehhe!! Well, looks like dear Yamaraj doesn't have as good a sense of humour as you!! :D Enjoyed your first post!

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    1. Thanks Roshni - well, he did send me to Heaven, didn't he, albeit temporarily :)

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  14. WOW, loved the post..
    Loved the way you have made fun of human shortcomings.

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    1. Thanks Bhavana! Someone always catches me out - by finding that I am making as much fun of the world as I am of myself :)

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  15. hehehhe!!!! deadly post i say!! btw, i have slept for 26 hrs straight too.. that was the day after my boards were over!! well..well... yes im guilty of the other sins as well!!

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    1. Thanks Titli!

      When did you think I slept those 26 hours? :)

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    2. After those 10 tandoori rotis and half a kilo of biryani? :) Or was it after a long night on a liquid diet? :)

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    3. Both at the same time? Its a wonder you even woke up ;)

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    4. Have I? Or am I sleep-walking through life? :)

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  16. U r so damn humorous. I am glad to have bumped in to ur blog again. Making a mental note to be regular or else I may face the sin of being a selfish blogger :) :P
    enjoyed reading it and guilty of each sin ! I think any place would be better than living on earth with the fear of guilt , in the cob web of emotions
    lookng forward to read ya
    :)
    good day

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    1. You made it a good day for me Afshan with this comment

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  17. It seems you intend to take all of us--at least most of us-- along with you on account of these sins.
    Why did you have to remind me that i was a sinner?
    I was so comfortable thinking that i was a saint,darn you !!!

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  18. That was fantastic! And now I have hopes that I might end up in heaven as well. Fingers crossed that renovation will take its time :)

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    1. As do we all - may the renovations never be completed :)

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  19. Guilty! Guilty!

    Did not see the last line coming that was like Wow.

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  20. OMG, I just couldn't stop laughing at this post. This was probably the best take on the Seven sins that I have ever read or can possibly ever read :)

    The fact that you managed to compress all seven sins into a compact dialog with none other than the Indian version of the Grim Reaper and managed to convert it into a laugh fest speaks volumes for your ability to makes us all laugh :D

    Awesome, can't wait for the next six posts now...

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    1. Lovely to hear all those words, Mahabore! I must warn you, however, that my posts are all written and a lot of them are merely informative :)

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  21. :D :D this is an awesome post and loved the conversation covering all the 7 sins...can't wait for the next post...

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    1. Thanks Aditi! Frightens me though - don't know if the other posts will live up :)

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  22. What a great take on seven cardinal sins! I am absolutely delighted after reading it. Last line about Indian roads made me laugh out loud. :)

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    1. Thanks Shilpa! Love reading comments like this :)

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  23. Did my comment vanish somewhere?

    It's such a lovely take on the theme seven. Loved the post and the last line about Indian roads was bang on. Made me laugh. :)

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  24. hahahaha...this one had me in splits :D.I too am guilty in a few of the sinful categories :P. Hope i have some place in heaven as the hell in overcrowded!

    Awesome write Suresh Chandrasekaran. The humour is contagious.

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    1. Thanks Sunita! Yup - we all depend on over-crowding in Hell :)

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  25. You brought in the PWD... and quite deservingly. I'm sure the other departments would also add to your prolonged stay in Heaven. God bless these sarkari professionals!

    Arvind Passey
    www.passey.info

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    1. At least we shall bless them - comes the time :)

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  26. Off with your head, I say! Those 10 tandoori rotis and and the biryani were a little hard to digest! :P

    Looking forward to more, Suresh.

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    1. They were tough to digest for me as well when I ate them, Corinne :P

      Thanks!

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  27. I have a feeling that you have picked up the most lightest of the sins of the person you are talking about there. There must much more in his underbelly ;)

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    1. Who wants to be talking about deep and dark sins in a humor post, Farida? :)

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  28. Temporary up-gradation...not a bad deal... :)
    Enjoyed reading it ...

    http://shellymona.wordpress.com/2013/09/01/seventh-heaven/

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  29. Just love it. I couldn't help smiling:)

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  30. 10 tandoori rotis and half a kilo briyani? Lol, was really laughing hard at that one. Yes, all of us in some way are guilty of sins like the one you mentioned for being selfish for not lending a book. And you never know, you might be in heaven all the way :-)

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  31. You have an assured place in heaven as (at a conservative estimate) it ought to take forever for the renovations to be complete.
    Hilarious! Like Rickie says in his comment above, I am glad too that humor is not considered a sin. Small mercies. :)

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    1. Small mercies, indeed! And if the renovations take forever, it would just be a great mercy :)

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  32. I loved your post throughout, Sir! Thanks for reading mine. Hope to see more from you :)

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  33. Loved your humourous post, Suresh. What fun! And now I'm craving Indian food. YUM! Drools!

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  34. This one made me smile all along. I could almost picture myself there while reading it :D :D Perhaps I am also lucky enough to get the same accommodation? :D :D

    Richa

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  35. I loved this post!
    But, does this mean that I have to include confess all these nect time in my confession...?? AAh!!!

    Thanks for stopping by my space :)

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    1. THAT - confessing - is between you and your Maker :)

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  36. Wow absolutely brilliant.Am in complex with your post...."Seven deadly sins" very well written.


    http://sailorswiferamblings.blogspot.com/2013/09/seven-faces-of-me.html

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  37. In hell, they roast people in boiling coconut oil. You know that?

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    1. Right now I still hv my temp. lodgings in Heaven :)

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  38. If your sins can give us such hilarious post, may you commit many more such sins ;)If Gluttony and slothing are sins, I have already booked my tickets to hell :) And my pride doesn't allow me to accept myself guilty of the other sins :)

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  39. whooahhh :) Mind-Food post of the week! Hilarious, catchy and fun-filled!

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  40. Such enjoyable reads! I really need to visit your blog more often. I love how you infuse such a lot of humour into your posts...love love love! :)

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    1. Thanks - and I'll be singing and dancing around the house if I get a reader who visits me often :)

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  41. I am sure we will definitely meet in heaven now that the Delhi meet did not materialize. :)
    That was one punch of a post.

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    1. Oh! That meet materialized - it is you who did not materialize in the meet :) Hope to meet you next year - or here in Bangalore. Do not want to wait till we hit Heaven :)

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  42. 92 is the no of total comments i have on my entire blog, so there goes my one sin Jealousy with a capital J... :) whatever i had to say has already been covered...and if we dont meet in Bangalore we will definitely meet in hell (hopefully the renovations in hell are not same as in India) coz wrath is the sin I commit on a daily basis...

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    1. Well - You may end up in Bangalore :) Great to see you back here. Thought you had abandoned me :)

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  43. Enjoyed your post, you have a great sense of humour ! thanks for sharing !

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  44. Brilliant! And brilliantly written! You had me laughing the entire time! Great job, Suresh. Thanks for making my day with your humor :) :) :)
    Penny

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    1. Thanks Penny for that fulsome compliment. This must have been one post you missed on that Write-tribe fest :)

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  45. Now that was a great way to start my day. :)
    I agree with you about lust no longer being a deadly sin. In fact, on closer scrutiny, none of them look like a big deal anymore. :D

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    1. Thanks Achyut! Which is why Hell is overcrowded :) None of them are any longer considered sins :)

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  46. If you want to score 7 out of 7 on sins, being a writer helps! A theist's sins are a writer's rasa. Enjoyed reading it a lot.

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  47. No wonder Hell is overcrowded, with so many bloggers proudly claiming or rather reserving their accommodation there. But then Suresh, have you considered this? I read in some version of Heaven there will only be PujaPat, spiritual discourses, with those Osho (!!) types gazing benignly at you--no heavenly damsels dancing away to glory in Indra's court. Does heaven still seem heavenly?

    Coming to the quality of your post, I must admit that it has been sometime since I have read something that is out and out so very humorous. Thanks!!

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    1. Aha! You need to check out my 'Heaven in Hell' to see the possible varieties of heaven :)

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