Familiarity breeds contempt

Now! Now! Is that polite of you? I start off with 'Familiarity breeds contempt' and is it nice of you to say, "With some, the first sight counts as familiarity for this purpose" and direct meaningful glances at me? What did I ever do to you?

It is sort of true though of a lot of people. Like your film stars for example. You see them all aglitter on screen and on stage and you fall head over heels. Getting closer, though, could be a problem. I mean, after knowing that it takes three hours and a ton of chemicals to make that face look that lovely, it is a shade more difficult to swoon at it. All art is like that. When you see only the end result, you are taken by the beauty; when you see the effort, you start dissecting the artistry. (Not to mention the fact that it is rumored that the ONLY way you can see some people as they appear on screen IS on screen - till they find a way to photoshop the real person and not only the image.) So, yes, familiarity can take the glitter off a person.

Those, though, are not the only celebrities who are so affected. In the more mundane world of writing, there is still the problem. Hear of a school-friend who has a book out and what immediately springs in your mind? "Arre! THAT chap who had to keep holding his shorts up in order to keep them in place? You mean he expects people to actually spend money on his writing?" Exactly what the vertical position of his shorts in his childhood had to do with his linguistic and other abilities is something that everyone else seems to understand. So, there is the case - if you are familiar with a person, you hold his art in contempt, more often than not. Even if you are too kindly a person to hold anyone in contempt, a stranger's art is likely to get respect whereas a friend's art gets, at best, indulgence. Which is why an author probably should aim for respect for his writing from rank strangers and not friends.

You need not be a celebrity in order to be faced with this issue. After all, when they said in Hindi "Ghar ki murgi daal barabar" ('A gourmet meal at home gets no more respect than a burger' - Loose transliteration), they were not speaking only of celebrities. Ever had your advice sneered at when you gave it only to later on find that the same advice, given by an external consultant, is treated with all the respect that Moses accorded to the 'Ten Commandments'? THAT is your lesson on how familiarity breeds contempt.

Now that I have convinced myself that familiarity with people is counter-productive, I must start standing aloof. As a first step...

"Do I know you?"

A bad workman blames his tools

It is so nice to come across one of these wise phrases that cannot injure me in the ego. Everyone in the past seems to have spent his time in coining phrases that appear to be mainly intended to make me feel like crawling back under the stone from which I had just crawled out. This one, though, was a pleasure to read -  'A bad workman blames his tools' - because this was one I could always point at someone else happily, with the sublime confidence that no-one could point it at me.

There you go, misunderstanding my meaning as usual and muttering about swollen-headed idiots who overestimate how good they are. The problem with you is that you are totally lacking in analytical thinking. The moment I say you cannot apply something about a 'bad workman' to me, you go thinking that I consider myself a 'good workman'. It never crosses your mind to think that to be any sort of workman at all one should, in the first place...ah! NOW the light dawns...exactly! How can I be a bad workman if I never DO any work?

Though, to be sure, I find it difficult to actually use this against people. Too much empathy, that's my problem. If I were to work, like say carpentry, I am sure that my chisels would be blunt, the wood rotten and the varnish too dilute...all to explain why my chairs look like pieces of useless lumber in someone's scrapyard. If I took to plumbing, it is those stupid spanners and low quality pipes and valves that are the reason why the taps weep so inconsolably. If I were a...(Oh, you got the point? How was I to know that you had such an acute intelligence?)

You know what...this chap who coined this phrase, he was not really holistic in his approach. I mean, blaming tools is all right but what about suppliers, customers, subordinates, bosses? It is all that technical outlook to life in those times, I tell you. They completely forget the human element and thereby miss a rich variety of reasons why work can get messed up, without you being at fault.

I am more intelligent than that chap, much though my friends may like to say that the only difference between a snail and me is that the snail is more intelligent. But, then, THEY base their opinion on the fact that I do not understand the books they read while I KNOW it is all the authors' fault that they do not keep their vocabulary down to the kindergarten levels. AND it is obvious that one cannot write for those few eccentrics, who seem to speak of vague terms like infinitives, gerunds, participles, tenses and all, owing to a childhood misspent by reading 'Wren and Martin' when they could have usefully played marbles, instead.

With everyone and his uncle, not to mention aunt, getting on and mouthing off on social media, what a good thing it is that I do not do any work. Otherwise...

P&M XI - No offense meant

(We are back at Phrases and Meanings again. You can torture yourself with the entire series here)

I have always been fascinated by this story that is told in various versions. The version that I had runs something like this

An old King wanted to get back his youth and, tyrannical as kings could be, declared that he would put all his doctors to death unless they found him a way. The distressed doctors went to their chief pleading him to find a way out of this dilemma. The old doctor came to the king with a vial of medicine and said "Your Majesty! Drink this medicine and, if for the next twenty-four hours, you do not think of mangoes at all you will regain your youth." The King rewarded the doctor handsomely and took the medicine but, to his vexation, found that he could think of nothing but mangoes the whole of the next twenty-four hours thus losing, as he thought, his chance at regaining his youth.

Whenever I hear the phrase, "No offense meant but..." I am reminded of this tale. I have never heard of a more counter-productive phrase than this, specifically when it is used at the beginning. The moment you hear it, you are automatically tuned to seeing whatever comes afterwards as potentially, if not actually, offensive when, without that preamble, you may never have thought of being offended. Why, I daresay that in most cases if you said "No offense meant but you look lovely today" the other person would start thinking, "Ah! Since there is something offensive in this, he must mean that I have never looked lovely till today" or, worse still, "So! He is so surprised that even I can look lovely. What an a******". Drop that phrase and things may be far more pleasant.

The phrase may have more meaning when said at the end - especially when you can see the other person and judge that offense has been taken. Though, I hardly think that saying this is automatically likely to incline the other person to thinking that you really did not mean any offense.

There are variants of this phrase - meant to soothe any possible hurt - and not really serving the purpose. Like "Don't take me otherwise" which automatically inclines the other person into thinking of all the other ways that it can be taken and the most offensive ones at that.

I, particularly, have an aversion to the "maybe it is only me". It sounds, invariably to me, too much like, "Of course it is not only me but who knows what an idiot like you can get into his stupid brain". Or, maybe, it is only me who takes it like this.

Saying something that has the potential to hurt someone is a difficult art and, if you have not mastered it, it is best to avoid doing so. If it is unavoidable, however, these shortcuts are really no help and there is no point in whining, "I said no offense meant and the other person still took offense." Don't take me otherwise, though, for these opinions - maybe it is only me!

P&M X - All Right

(We are back at Phrases and Meanings again. You can torture yourself with the entire series here)

There are those phrases which make you wonder why the Human race ever bothered to invent language - and a multitude of them at that. I mean, if the entire meaning to be derived is entirely based on facial expressions, tone of voice and context, why bother to use the words at all?

If there is one prime example of such a phrase, it is 'All Right'. It can mean what it purports to mean sometimes but, more often than not, it means that things are not all right at all and how much that fall short of being all right can be gauged by all those non-verbal cues.

For example, you have a telephonic argument with your wife and she slams the phone down with an "All Right!" Do you think that you have convinced her with the scintillating logic of your argument or worn her down by your persistence? That phrase in this context only means, "Alright Buster, just get home tonight and I will teach you what it means to argue with me."

There you are in a meeting vehemently putting forth your point in a meeting and your boss says, "All right!" You feel you have impressed your boss with your acumen? Ah! The folly of youth! All your boss means is, "Alright lad, we will see how much misery you can stand in the coming days. Argue with me, will you?" The problem is that you read that slogan "The Boss is always right" on the wall behind his desk and assumed it to denote his sense of humor - when it was merely a reminder to you to watch your behavior.

At home with your spouse you are in your element arguing against what you are being asked to do. Merely because it is a matter of getting you off your ass - which will otherwise take a crane to do, your spouse stomps off with an "All right!" and you feel immensely satisfied at having gained your point. Little do you know that this time it means,"All right, you bum, let us now see how you get me to do anything at all in future."

There is one "All Right!" that is the most dangerous of all. If you ever get to hear it in that tone of voice, rest assured that nothing will be all right with your life from that moment on.

So, you do not believe me or like what I said? All Right!

P&M IX - I may be wrong

There are these nice and humble people who are ever willing to admit the possibility that they may not be infallible and can make be wrong sometimes - or so people say. If so, I am yet to come across one who says "I may be wrong but..". In the normal course, a person who seriously considers the possibility of his being wrong starts off diffidently saying things like, "Is it possible that.." or "Could it be this way?"

The most humble version of "I may be wrong ..." is the person who says that with the unsaid sub-text of "but I shall be very surprised if I am" and THAT is regardless of what he says after that. 

There is also the bully's version of "I may be wrong..." where the sub-text is "but is there anyone here who dares to say so to my face?" (It sounds more emphatic in Hindi - "Kisi maike laal mein dum hai ...") Now that is a person who does not care two hoots about whether he is right or not but merely expects to be obeyed. That "I may be wrong .." here is a dare - it is not a statement of humility.

There is the "I may be wrong.." that expects the crowd around to say, "No, of course you are not Sir. How can you ever be wrong?" This is normally a boss who just loves his subordinates to be perpetually blinded by his own brilliance but does not feel brilliant unless they tell him so.

The ultimate is someone who says "I may be wrong..", expects it to be treated as the joke of the century and waits for his audience to have a hearty laugh. After all both he and they know that he cannot be wrong. Like, say, God saying, "I may be wrong.." when he is talking of how he created the world.

Hmm! I may be wrong in what I said above. (I know you are all laughing heartily at this statement)

P&M VIII - Nobody understands me

Of all the things a person says nothing is meant with every fiber of one's being as much as "Nobody understands me". As usual, there are times when this is nothing more than an ordinary phrase. For example, I was in Paris for a day and trying to take in the city all by myself. Unfortunately, speaking English was no help. Whether I spoke it confidently in a basso profundo or in nervous frustration in a high falsetto; whether I took an hour over uttering two syllables or ran through the entire sentence in a nano second, all I got was that famous Gallic shrug and a friendly smile. When I said, "Nobody understands me" on that day it was no more than a statement of fact, which nobody understood either.

The usage that I now seek to talk about is the "Nobody understands me" that is a cry from the heart of a person distressed by the sheer obduracy of the rest of humanity in refusing to fathom them. In my time, I have been so wounded to the depths of my soul by the inability of my fellow-man to understand me that I have had to utter this phrase in broken tones to the receptive ears of my pillow more often than I would like to think about.

Just as I am sitting in a bad mood because my close friend refused to come with me for a movie, someone will come and want a heart-to-heart chat about how depressed he is because his girl-friend ditched him for someone else. He will not even understand that I am snapping at him only because I am in no mood to talk at that time and will go around telling people that I am selfish and not a good friend. And, you know what, people believe HIM!!! Nobody understands me.

My blog post of last week does not get enough comments and I am very sad and depressed about it. You would think that I can go and talk to my close friend and be consoled by him, wouldn't you? Not that I can notice. I go over to him expecting to unburden myself and he brushes me off with a frivolous excuse that he needs to take his sick mother to hospital. What sort of friend is he that he cannot even understand how much I need his support at that time? Even my close friends do not understand me.

People call me bad-tempered just because I snap at them when I am not in the mood. They just do not seem to understand that I am such a sweet person if only they will come and talk to me at the right time. They do not understand how helpful I am as a person if only they will ask me for what I can willingly give them instead of selfishly asking me for what they want. Nobody understands me.

I wish that God had thought fit to tattoo on the foreheads of people what sort of people they were. I mean, if someone came with a tattoo on his forehead saying "Please understand me", I could know that he is less likely to be spending time understanding ME. If someone came with a tattoo saying, "I have enough trouble understanding myself and cannot spare the time to be understanding you" one could conveniently give her a wide berth. Then, maybe, there may come one with "I have got nothing better to do than understand you" and you could latch on to her - provided you can fight your way through the hordes of other people like you. Without those tattoos, it is difficult to understand people. God really messed up when He designed human beings.

What?? Did you say that when I cry "Nobody understands me" I only mean that "I understand nobody and have never made any attempt to do so"? Noooooooooo! How can you be so cruel? Even you do not understand me.

P&M VII - Let us agree to disagree

I strongly feel that whoever invented this "Let us agree to disagree" must have been an optimist. I think of him as an ivory tower type with a belief that real people actually could see that there was some validity in the other person's point of view and, though they believed in the opposite, they needed to be open-minded about the issue. As we all know, real people are incapable of seeing anything except from their own point of view.

Let us get one thing out of the way. Just as two of you are into the pith of an argument and you feel completely sure that you are going to rub the other person's nose in the dirt, there is always a third party busybody who pops in with a "Let us agree to disagree." In this case, there is no real 'us' here since Mr. Nosy Parker was never a party to the argument till he poked his proboscis in, thereby creating agreement in both your minds about how obnoxious he is. Be that as it may, we will concentrate on only those times when there is actually no 'agree' in your minds.

Of course, people have varied thoughts in their mind when they say this phrase and one cannot generalize about exactly what they mean. For example, you could be an ardent fan of Shahrukh Khan while your friend holds this insane belief that Salman Khan is God's gift to women-kind. You know, of course, that she is totally irrational on this issue. You, however, do not feel that this lunacy is about to exhibit itself in her taking the kitchen knife and slashing you into ribbons in the night. As long as you avoid taking her advice on what movies to see, her madness is harmless and, thus, you feel that you can brush aside this argument with a "Let us agree to disagree".

There are times, however, when you feel less inclined to be forbearing. In any corporate meeting you will find someone holding a view diametrically opposite to your own. Much as you may feel like grabbing him by the collar and shaking some sense into him, you are prohibited by the stupid rules of social engagement that are irrationally averse to settling arguments conclusively by physically silencing the opponent. You, of course, know that you can settle his hash logically over a three hour argument. The problem, however, is that your client is unlikely to see your victory over him as a sufficient return on the fees he is paying you (Clients are unreasonable that way). So, if it is a minor point and with a mental note to settle scores with him at a more appropriate time, you grit out, "Let us agree to disagree."

There are more serious issues, however, that crop up between people. When you are of the staunch opinion that the chicken came first and the other person insists that the egg did, there is what is called an impasse. Google is no help in conclusively proving your point and you just cannot let the other person go around propagating a wrong philosophy. The argument could go something like this

"How can there be an egg unless there is a chicken to lay it?"
"How can there be a chicken unless there is an egg to hatch out of?"
"How can the egg hatch unless there is an chicken to warm it?"
"You never heard of incubators?"
"You never heard of Darwin? Incubators came from men and men came after the chicken"

And so on and on into the esoteric realms of Science, Philosophy and any number of '..isms' without a conclusive end till one of you yells, "Let us agree to disagree."

And it is at that exact point that both of you are in total agreement - in concluding that the other person is an opinionated jackass who is incapable of listening to reason.

I am sure you are in agreement with me here. Otherwise, let us agree to disagree!

P&M VI - I don't care

There are some phrases that mean one thing when they are said in sentences and another when they are used as a complete sentence. Of course, when my friends say, "I don't care if I never see you again" they are merely joking. (What do you mean you are not joking? Maybe you are not but I am talking about my friends) but in the normal course, when someone says "I don't care if....", he actually means that he does not care.

But what if someone just says, "I don't care"? When this phrase is used as a complete communication, it very seldom means what it says. It may mean, "I don't care to discuss the matter" or "I don't care to let people know how much I care" BUT it, almost invariably, does not mean that you do not care about the matter.

"I am sorry you did not get selected"

"I DON'T CARE"

Now, that was loud enough to let the other person know how little you cared about the matter. How utterly indifferent you were about getting selected. Yes, we know.

"I am sorry she did not accept your proposal"

"I DON'T CARE"

 The entire hostel knows how totally indifferent you are to the girl's charms and how carefree her turning down of your proposal left you. They all know you are going to paint the town red celebrating your joy.

"I am sorry you lost your job"

"I DON'T CARE" 

The entire city knows how much you care..umm, don't care about losing your job. Everyone and his aunt knew how little you cared for it and how much you were hungering to be free to do your own thing.

If you are sorely tempted to write something negative in the comments please understand that

"I DON'T CARE"

You hear me? I just don't care.

P&M V - Guess who I am

"Guess who I am?"

Ah! I had lived long enough to know that the person asking me this question could belong only to one of three categories

1. Someone from school or college who I have not seen for lo these many decades. Having recognized me, despite my crude attempts at disguise like some additional twenty inches around the waist and a shiny pate, he expects that recognizing him should be a piece of cake for me.

2. Someone who I ran into in a jamboree like a wedding or some party some time in the past. Why I should have been memorable to him is something that only he can explain but why he has not  been memorable to me is now my task to explain to him.

3. A variant of 2 above - someone who I ran into in a party, when I was wandering around in an alcoholic daze, hardly noticing mere humans what with exotic creatures like pink elephants and flying mice having captured my total attention. He would have had a better chance of being recognized had he been a Hobbit or a Balrog. What makes it tough to explain is the fact that he is possibly one of those unfortunates who have an impaired eyesight - owing to a regrettable indulgence in those abominations called soft drinks - and are unable to see the wonders that are visible to the more fortunate.

Unfortunately, identifying the categories is as far as I have been able to get. In almost every instance I have failed miserably to identify the person concerned.

Hitherto I had confined myself to phrases that meant something different from what the dictionary would literally have them mean. In this case, however, the person who asks the question means exactly what he says. He/She does actually expect you to guess who he/she is. The problem for me is in identifying what makes people indulge in these guessing games.

If ever there was a question that was designed specifically to cause unhappiness to the person asking it, it is this question. I have heard cruel replies like, "I never knew you and do not want to" to "If I had guessed, do you not think I would have ducked out of sight in time?" Such wounding replies have been rare but, more often than not, the other person has had to indicate his inability - or guess wrongly - causing the questioner to feel hurt badly. It is a rare case where the recognition happens as expected - and the joy of such recognition is not really mind-blowing. Seems to me like this question is the sort of lottery where you buy a ticket for a million bucks in order to possibly win a humongous jackpot of one buck. So, why do some people play this game where the potential losses are huge and gains paltry? Masochism?

It is also a fact that most of these instances have left me vaguely guilty for the lapse of memory and vaguely resentful of that person as a consequence. There is this one instance, however, when I felt neither.

"Guess who I am?" came the tenor voice over the crackling static of the telephone connection.

"I do not know", which has been my invariable reply. I never really could play the 'your voice/face/whatever is very familiar and your name is on the tip of my tongue' game very well.

"What is this? We were so close till the 5th at school when you moved away" came the distressed, wounded voice.

Ye Gods! That is one time I could not have apportioned even an iota of blame to my memory. I defy even God to hear the tenor voice over a crackling telephone, discern the childish treble of thirty years ago and go on to identify the speaker. I swear, this really happened.

Now, can someone please tell me why people ask "Guess who I am?"

Phrases and Meaning IV - Good One?

We were on top of the mountain standing just off a steep drop and looking down into the valley below when a bird flew gracefully in front of our eyes.

"Wow! How I wish I could fly like that"

"Oh! Flying from here is a piece of cake. It is the landing that is the problem"

"Good one"

Huh! This 'Good one' as a reaction to a joke or a witticism always confuses me. I can still remember my long gone school days when I used to crack what I thought was a joke and be met with sepulchral silence. Then one of the guys would catch the pleading, pathetic look on my face and say, "Good one!" Now, when someone says "Good one" in response to a joke is it only sympathy that makes him say it instead of "Oh! Was that a joke?" or scratching his ribs with both hands (a throw-back gesture that reminds you of your Darwinian origins) and emitting a derisive "Ha Ha"?

There is an Asimov story - "Joker" or some such name - in which he says that the only jokes that people laugh at are ones that begin "Ever heard of this one before" or some such thing that ascribes an unknown origin to the joke. He claims that all the on-the-spot witticisms only beget groans or "Good One"s depending on the nature of the recipient. From which I conclude that Isaac Asimov too had had his share of jokes falling flat on unpromising soil or eliciting feeble "Good one"s.

Sometimes, it does feel like his theory is right. The "Good one" shoots out with such enthusiasm - and without the stimulus of pathos in the face - that it seems like it was meant. This, however, does not necessarily mean that the Wit can dance a saraband in happiness. It only means that, though the joke was not good enough to laugh at, it was good enough to be acknowledged.

Sometimes, though, it is the recipient of the witticism who needs the crutch of a "Good one". There are those unfortunate beings who actually cannot get a joke. When, however, they are acute enough to understand when the other person thinks that what he said is a joke (and it is not every Wit who is overwhelmed by his own humor that he conveniently goes "Ha Ha Ha" and gives you a clue), then he can come out with a "Good one" to cover up the fact that he was totally in the dark about what was funny about it.

In sum, a "Good One" is not a good enough one - at least for the recipient. If, perchance, you feel the pressing need to leave a "Good one" in the comments, you do it at the peril of my taking you for the third category of people above!

Phrases and Meanings-III : Drop in any time

I wish this phrase "Drop in any time" would only make up its mind about what it means. Most of us know that the dictionary is meant to be ignored and sort of pick up meanings by usage - but, heck, that can be done only for phrases that maintain some sort of constancy in usage. When a phrase is so indecisive about exactly what it means it really gets on my nerves.

An early experience had taught me that this phrase was a meaningless politeness similar to 'Nice meeting you' (which, when someone uses it with me meant, "The nicest thing about meeting you is parting from you and the solacing thought that I shall never meet you again"). It meant nothing more than the fact that the concerned people were not actively repelled by you - yet!

Those were the days that I used to take the printed word as gospel (being days in which newspapers could still be relied upon to give the facts) and the dictionary was my sole guide for meanings. So, when a couple I met said "Drop in any time" just as we parted, I thought I had found a new caring family in an unknown city. There I was hair in a braid - as Wodehouse would put it - sunnily smiling at them as I walked into their home on a Sunday. Within five seconds, I had learnt what 'being given the bum's rush' was all about. It meant that your hostess tells you in gushing words how sorry they were that they were having family coming in any time while your host has his arm around your shoulder and is nudging you towards the door inexorably. Before your bewildered mind can comprehend exactly what you are hearing you are not merely outside the door but outside the gate which your host is busy padlocking while your hostess utters a last apology and a sweet goodbye.

The subsequent days taught me the meaning of more phrases. For example, I knew that 'one taking the high road and the other the low road' meant that if you happen to meet the host of that day coming towards you on the pavement, you would see him instantly find some pressing business on the other side. Why, he will even risk crossing the road despite high speed traffic in order to attend to it. Someone cutting you dead means that if you run into your hostess in a party then, while you are bleating "Hello" in her ear she would dreamily hear a whisper of a thought from someone across the room and rush to answer it. Enough on that subject. In addition to teaching me the meaning of all sorts of phrases, it also taught me that "Drop in any time" does not mean what the dictionary says it means.

Ah, by the way, these were in the days when a telephone connection depended on your knowing someone related at least to the Telecom Minister's peon and when mobile telephony belonged in the realms of Science Fiction. People still used to just walk into someone's house saying, "I was just passing this way and thought I would meet you" even if their host's house was the lone one in the middle of nowhere and they had to trek 8 Kms to reach it. (Before you ask me, YES, I am THAT old.)

If only one could hold on to that meaning for "Drop in any time", all would be well. I mean you would just say "Sure" to that phrase and forget all about it. Unfortunately, the damn phrase switches meanings every now and then. I have had hostesses accost me in a wounded tone, "I invited you but you never do come". (I know, I know! It seems incredible that anyone could at all be THAT hungry for company that they would miss me but will you please wait before you call me a liar?) I have never managed to understand whether this meant that their "Drop in any time" was a genuine invitation or was it only a means of taking the moral high ground of having invited me without running the risk of actually having to host me.

With such an indecisive phrase, it is only right that I choose to assign the meaning to it myself. So, I have decided that I shall accept as an invitation only when someone says "Drop in at this time". "Drop in any time" shall, for me, mean that if I acted on the dictionary meaning those people would only mean, "Drop Dead" in future regardless of what they say.

How about you?

Phrases and Meanings - II

Everyone who knows me knows that Asimov's words, "Let me make one thing clear. When I ask for criticism, I mean only praise. If you find something wrong in what I have written, you can keep it. I don't want it" resonate with me. So, it is but natural that they will expect this series on Phrases to focus on "I like criticism" sooner or later. Let us relieve them of their tension by making it sooner.

It must be obvious by now that I do NOT like negative criticism. I am of the firm conviction that this is one of those phrases that is almost invariably said when it is not meant. If liking something means the same thing to all people, then it should mean that there is someone in the world who actually feels happy about receiving negative criticism and, bar masochists, I do not think there is any such person. Which means that this is a phrase that actually does not mean what the dictionary says it means when it is used.

Oh! You actually like criticism? Hmm! Let us try you out on an example. Let us assume you are a cook (done too much on literary criticism so let us all have a break from that). Assume further that you serve someone biryani and upon tasting it, he says, "It is yucky!" You are the one who likes negative criticism so you must be going singing around the house and calling up your friends and exclaiming, "You know what! I fed biryani to so-and-so and do you know what he said? He said it was yucky. He REALLY did! I feel like I am floating on air"

No? Ah! This is not what you meant by criticism? Why so? Because, when he said it was yucky, you do not know whether it was because he thinks all biryani is yucky or he does not like this style of making biryani or the biryani has not been made properly? Hmm! So, you do not like this type of criticism but you do like criticism.

Great, then! Let us have our next critic in then. Here he comes dancing in, tastes the biryani and says, "So, you tried a Hyderabadi Dum biryani? Never tasted it made as badly as this" Happy, now? Joyous revels all day and a party to celebrate the occasion? No? Why not? You do not know why he thinks it is yucky? I think you are getting a little too nit-picking here. What? There is no use to criticism that does not tell you what is going wrong and how to improve it? Ah! I see.

Let us have our discerning critic in here. Back comes the same old biryani and our DC has a go. "Mmm! I think the rice is under-cooked and you need a bit more salt here. You probably also need a lighter hand with the masala". Why is your face not lit up with joy? Ah! You wish he had not been so loud with his criticism in the hearing of your family and friends? (It will be an eternal mystery to me as to why compliments are always given in a bashful whisper and complaints aired like an alpine shepherd calling out to his sheep scattered all over the landscape) But then if you have got what you liked you should be only too happy to have your near and dear ones (Ah! how much I have wanted to use that typical Indian phrase - I probably should have omitted the 'ones') learn of it asap. No?

Are you sure you really like criticism? I have tried and tried to make you happy by giving you criticism but you just do not seem to appreciate it. Seems to me that when you say, "You like criticism" what you mean is that you like the fact that it may help you improve yourself BUT the actual receipt of it is not exactly your most memorable moment of joy. It looks like if it is not given politely enough then, though you may end up liking the effects of the criticism, the chap who gave it is unlikely to leave very warm memories in your mind.

That was the exception we have been talking to all this while. The rule is that most people certainly do NOT like criticism but are forced to say so since it has become taboo to say you do not - much like a mother cannot say, "When the baby started crying at 3 AM just as I had sunk into a deep sleep, I felt for a moment like strangling  the little monster"

So, if you guys are brimming with those nice little words of criticism and eagerly rushing out to please all those who say, "I like criticism", know that you are not loved. Really!

Phrases and Meanings - I

I shall make no promises this time - except please do not be intimidated by that '- I' business. This is a self-contained post and no prior knowledge is required (and do not listen to those evil beings that say 'no brains required either') nor would you be left hanging unless you read the subsequent parts like one of those fantasy trilogies. Believe me, I had intended to finish off with "How are you?" also in the last post but - what can I say? - the words ran away with me.

This question - 'How are you?' - is really not an invitation to start with that pain in your big toe that you get from an impacted toe nail and work your way up to the sharp twinges in your knees, that dyspeptic feeling in your stomach which feels so much like a heart attack and that dull ache above your eyebrows which presages a migraine (the morning after without the night before). Not even if you finish off saying, "Other than all that I am fine". Unless of course you are an in-patient in a hospital - in which case the chap who asks you "How are you?" considers that as a mere preliminary to launching into a series of tales about his aunts, uncles, cousins and other such fauna who have all come to miserable ends after suffering exactly what you are suffering and ends with "Don't worry! You will be all right!" Not that the last statement reassures you.

Apparently the proper answer to that "How are you?" is a "How are you?' again. Seems like a game of oneupmanship. As though you thought, "You are not the only one who can show concern for me. I can show concern for you as well. Now stuff that in your pipe and smoke it." But that is the appropriate polite behavior apparently. What I have found is you ask this only when you mean, "I could not care less if you dropped dead of a heart attack right now". With people whom you actually cared about, you would be asking about specific ailments or just launch into a conversation without this preliminary. Maybe they started using this in more violent times merely to say "I did not come here of a purpose to kill you this time, so let us both relax".

As if that phrase were not enough, I had to deal with an answer to that question that I started hearing only after I shifted to Delhi. "Bus aapke chatra chaye mein" which literally translates to "In the shadow of your umbrella" and figuratively means "Safe under your aegis". Now when I first heard this I must admit to a feeling of fear - it seemed to me like the chap was saddling me with the responsibility of taking care of him and his family. Thankfully I refrained from voicing a hasty demurrer about how ill-equipped I was to take care of even myself. Later, of course, it seeped into me that this was yet another of those phrases that people say without any regard to what it literally or figuratively meant.

Huh! This has run into one whole post as well. About time I released you into the world to spray your How-are-yous indiscriminately.

Phrases and Meanings

You get along decently making a fool of yourself and then start feeling the sudden urge to write something meaningful (which is probably a way of making a greater fool of yourself than you were doing while you were trying). The problem is that you rack your brains and plumb the (extremely shallow) depths of your mind and find that you have never acquired any meaningful knowledge all your life. With the stubbornness of someone, who rarely gets an idea but holds on to the one he does get no matter how absurd it is, you are unwilling to let go of the dream to write something meaningful. Well! The next best thing to writing something meaningful is to write about the meaning of something. (I have a nagging suspicion that the first dictionary was written by a guy like me - finding that he could write nothing meaningful he went ahead and started tabulating the meanings of words)

Having done a bit of 'Words and Meanings', I thought I could perhaps turn my attention to some phrases that are used to mean something else than what the dictionary would say they mean. I do not mean to address a phrase like "Good Morning", which does not necessarily mean that the person saying it has seriously assessed the characteristics of the morning and found it to be good or that he is praying with all his heart that the morning be good for you. It is merely a way of saying, "I see you and you have reason to believe I can recognize you and would expect me to acknowledge that I have seen you", as all of us know. Indeed most of us would be surprised to learn that the literal meaning is at all different - and that it is probably a shortened form of "Wish you a good morning".

Now, then, the more important among us utter a curt "Morning". It is not that they merely want to state the fact that it was morning without any unsubstantiated allegations about its nature. It is the same "I see you etc. etc." but with the additional meaning of "I do not need to be polite to you." Most of them, however, do not necessarily think that you were nervously hanging around wondering whether it was really morning after all till they came around and officially declared it to be so. Of course there are some who are actually surprised that you could have any doubts about the fact that the Sun would have retired abashed - like a guest who came too early to a party - unless they declared it to be morning but such wonder-beings are in a minority, believe me.

Uhoh! It looks like I have behaved like the guy who gets the microphone and says, "I will not keep you guys waiting for dinner too long" at the start of his speech and then pauses for breath only after an hour or so. Having said that I would not take up your time with descriptions about the meaning of "Good Morning" as a phrase, I have waxed eloquent about it. We shall get to the next phrase later then. Adios, till then (and, NO, it is not a threat!)