Thursday, June 28, 2012

Yet another hair-raising tale


Once upon a time my hair covered my entire scalp like any good self-respecting carpet. Cross my heart! At least this time, I am telling the truth. Then little Jamie Hair became adventurous and decided to go into the wild bad world. “Toodle-oo folks!” he said to his fellow Hairs and disappeared into the void.
Days passed by with all the grey hair Hairs nodding sadly at Jamie’s foolhardiness. But the wander-bug had bit and a few more Hairs disappeared. You know how it is! When Columbus set about discovering America no-one would have gone with him for a bet. Now, see what you have! Everyone running from pillar-consulate to post-consulate for visas! Thus it was with my Hairs and suddenly a great deal of Hairs left their home-head.
Even then a vast majority of them were sticking on. But then a radical started speaking. Jose Hair was hair-raising in his speech. “Brethren! Years ago I looked into the Head and found just A – Z and 0 – 9 inside it. I look in now and what do I see? The same A – Z and 0 – 9 looking hazy and atrophied due to long disuse! This fellow has not added a single thing to his head since these inhabitants slipped in unawares. The monotony of the view is killing me. Off I go!” This speech impelled a great many Hairs and suddenly hair was falling off my head like a hairy Niagara gone berserk.
Then it was that I started getting an admirable view of my scalp. With a view to sparing my fellow-inhabitants this distressing sight, I started twirling my hair into intricate shapes to cover the barren areas. Like rule-bound employees bidden to do something other than what was prescribed in their job descriptions, the Hairs rebelled.
Susie Hair, then told her fiancĂ©, “Joey! When the many-teethed public conveyance comes by tomorrow book the middle berth for me.” Despite the massive rush for reservations, Joey managed the reservations and the duo left in a romantic mood.
Meanwhile my romantic thoughts were torpedoed beyond recovery. I had decided to reconcile myself to my situation but it was not to be. My point was that I was bald, no mistake, but there was no need for me to make a fool of myself as well into the bargain. Unfortunately, those around me thought otherwise and each one suggested some goo or the other which would positively make hair sprout all over my head with exuberance and joie-di-vivre.
When it got to the point where perfect strangers were stopping me on the streets to expound their theories about how my hair-fall was linked to my sweating and what could be done to stop both, I had to give in. I went on a goo-application spree; on diets to control my sweating; and scalp massaging and standing on my head to improve blood circulation to my head. It is a wonder that in the midst of all this activity I had time to do anything else but, since I am still alive, I must have also been breathing all the while!
You could never have imagined that the Hair family could be so finicky. They held their noses at the smell of the goos and shuddered at the texture. They looked upon improved blood circulation with profound disfavor. They detested my shampoo and held my solicitude for their welfare in contempt. And they left in droves! By the time I decided to forswear hair-saving activities, my head was a drought affected area. (Remember folks, we are talking about the eighties. A decade and a half later, I’d have had the benefit of hair-savers of better repute and effect!)
What irks me is this inconstancy and lack of discipline in the Hairs! You see your forehead lengthening and feel, “At last! Some signs of intelligence!” and suddenly find the sun scorching the top of your pate. No orderly withdrawal from the head, starting at one end and ending at the other. The Hairs leave as they please regardless of the fact that the head resembles a shell-shocked area when they leave. Or, it used to! My last hair is gone and that was the end of my hair problems. My head is a nice shiny thing of beauty now and you have another Vin Diesel above the eyebrows!

70 comments:

  1. Rip-roaring humour, Suresh! It made my rain-sogged heart warm! I feel I may have started the fateful journey on the very same paths though! If I loved the phrases you used, I adored the conclusion!

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    1. Thanks USP! Could you send across some of that rain to Bangalore:):)

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  2. Hilarious!It does not help to imbue your hair with life & personna ,here today gone tomorrow.

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    1. Hair today, gone tomorrow is how I used to put it:)

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  3. Lolz:):D ..main toh hansi se marte huye baal-baal bachaa:) Thank you Suresh:D

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    1. Thanks Amit! Aap nahin rahe tho main aap jaise taarif karnewaale ko kahan doondoon?:):)

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  4. LOL! That was hilarious Suresh :)

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  5. ohh.....a pack of brain-washed hair. There seems a conspiracy against you
    :D

    cool hair-touching errr heart touching post

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  6. ha ha ha, is this a contest post? all the best!!!! as usual, a hilarious post.

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  7. Replies
    1. Thanks Rahul! You are the only one of the gang to have visited this post thus far

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  8. I know what kind of English they write these days. Your post is too well written to be understood by everyone.

    Good Luck!

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    1. Is that what people call a left-handed compliment?:)

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  9. Expect you to twist the "end of hair problems" piece like this!!! You are howlirious...my bald friend!

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    1. Mmm! With my head the way it is what other way could I twist it?:)

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  10. I am a first here... and thoroughly enjoyed your post !

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    1. Thanks! My lucky day! Finding a new reader who takes the time to compliment is rarer than finding diamonds.

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  11. Dude, you've got to make more friends. That way you won't have to spend so much time with your hair!

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    1. Now that I am done with my hair, I can spare the time for friends:)

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    2. And, btw, could not quite get you...was that meant to be funny? If so, pls add a smiley. If it was meant seriously, I'd hv to advise you to shop around for a sense of humour:)

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  12. Ahem!!!! To be able to laugh at your own expense is a rare gift. And to be able to pen a post on it, marvellous! I can see I am in the company of some worthy competition :)

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    1. Thanks, Blogwati Gee! As long as I get readers, I do not even think of winning competitions

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  13. The end of hair problems reached with a witty flourish and ticklish sentences spread evenly (which is quite unlike the way your hair left you!) make the post a 'nice read'. Loved it. :)

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    1. Thanks, Arvind! At last I have arrived - now that you have visited me:)

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  14. Ha ha ha. Nice one. I am sure the ladies reading Femina and Marie Claire will just love your sense of humor.

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    1. Mmm! If Dove likes it first:) Thanks TF

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  15. Its time to recall the immortal words of Yul Brynner (Did i spell that right?)
    "God made a few beautiful heads. The rest he covered with hair".

    Cheers mate

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    1. Hi Chandru! I first ended the tale with 'another Yul Brynner above the eyebrows..substituted Vin Diesel later cos I did not want 'Yul who?' remarks here:)

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  16. Super! Loved the humor!

    Do drop in sometime :)
    http://y-anil-kumar.blogspot.in/

    Anil

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    1. Thanks Anil! Will do once I get free.

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  17. Super funny! That was a great end to your hair problems, but I won't desire one.

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  18. that was too funny and hillarious post ..all the best Sureshji :)

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  19. Btw, what made you change the blog template???

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  20. Thanks Bhusha! Well, the dynamic template was not readily making visible quite a few things - popular posts, e-mail subscriptions etc. Was getting complaints about that.

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  21. Very well written ! Had me in splits. Good luck for the contest.

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  22. I had read this weeks ago but commenting now!
    I had loved reading it then and loved reading it once again now!!
    Brilliant humor!

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  23. LOL! Nice end to hair problems Suresh :) I love your posts for the humour that you incorporate in each of those! :) As they say, hair today gone tomorrow! Ha-ha! Best wishes for the contest!

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  24. Thanks, Deepa! Mine went yesterday:)

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  25. ROFL!!!! Can't stop laughing.... Very good take on hair issue...
    All d best

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  26. hehheh...well, THAT is one way to get rid of all your hair problem :D

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  27. For me that was the only way :):)

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  28. Hahahahah!!!
    Mazaa agaya!
    :D


    Good luck!!!
    I gave it a shot too! Do let me know what you think! :D cheerios!
    www.priyankazneverland.blogspot.in

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  29. That was very hilarious and entertaining post. Let us see which magazine readers are going to be the lucky ones who get introduced to your humor. ;)

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    1. Thanks Farila (Farida?)! Let us see if any magazine readers at all get the dubious pleasure of reading this piece! :)

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  30. Haha! It's one of the most hilariously amazing pieces I've read in the recent times! Loved the sense of humour and loved this piece! :)

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  31. Enjoyed reading this favorite post all over again

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    1. Great that something I wrote has been found worth re-reading by you Farida!

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  32. It pleasantly surprises me that you took such a fine and detailed observation about your hair...well , I surely understand the feeling of loss that is usually associated when a part of body , no matter how insignificant , voluntarily or involuntarily sheds off...me for example had to part with a Tooth...The physical pain is still ok..But the very sense that I have a gaping hole in my gum , where once upon a time existed a mighty tooth , makes my heart bleed in sorrow :(

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    1. The hair loss does not cause such distress for me, Soham! It has saved me a lot of work - combing, shampooing, haircuts :)

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  33. My hair too are seeking pleasanter lands. It's a very sobering thought when your carpet and bathtub are counted as preferred destinations to your scalp. However, I once went bald voluntarily, shaved off all my hair (not that I have too much of it at any given time) -- it was a very liberating experience.

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    1. I am permanently liberated - almost :)

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    2. Rollicking, you both. :) Suresh, relax. Bald men are considered sexy.

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    3. I WAS relaxed - till you told me this :)

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  34. vujaykumar V Suchde, BarodaJune 25, 2015 at 2:13 PM

    Hi Suresh, it was nice to go through the journey. I am also sailing in the same ship.The only difference you were comfortable till someone said bald people are sexy. Why not accept it they are. I agree with that person. One more thing I do . put a vig full head hair like cap n return to my teens age. Enjoy life.

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    1. You know i always enjoy life :) Great to see you here Suchde

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  35. Hahaha! Reading this after you mentioned it in your comment on my post! Yes scary-hairy tale indeed! At least bald men are in trend! Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson, Satya Nadella! Bald women? Spare me the horror ;)

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    1. I know; not that bald men were in vogue when I was in my twenties and went bald but still...:)

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  36. Ah! Above the eyebrows... Was caught in a cloudburst in Hyd recently, and those heavy drops drumming on to the pristine bald is no fun, let me tell you. Ol Zubin couldn't have tabla'ed better. Made me realize how very functional hair is. Had a rollicking time reading this, Suresh, each and every line here is guaranteed to tickle every funny bone in the body.

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