Sunday, April 28, 2013

The ‘Ring the Bell’ Meet Again

Previous part here

In the previous post, I had tried to discuss why a woman does not stop her husband from physical abuse when he first attempts it. The tacit assumption, of course, is that the first such attempt happens in the early days of marriage and that assumption would probably be true for the most part.
Issues of inter-personal relationships are normally complicated and, as humans, we tend to complicate those issues far more than they really are. For example, in the first instance of physical abuse, the wife may even feel that she was at fault. Clearly, being at fault does not make it acceptable for the husband to beat her just as punching a subordinate for mistyping your name is not acceptable. People, however, do not see things that clearly even in cold blood and, when wallowing in a welter of emotions, everything appears murky.
So, what is the way forth is a woman has allowed her husband to get away for a period of time with physically abusing her? What if she has a couple of kids? Should she continue to live this life of physical abuse, return tit-for-tat if possible or walk away from the husband?
What could have been solved with firmness when the first instance occurs may not be possible after you have accustomed the man to acquiescence. To continue to live a life of physical abuse is not merely demeaning to you but is harmful to your children as well. This idea of staying put in a relationship for the sake of the children has always seemed quaint to me. Is the psychological scarring of marital strife any more a happy atmosphere to the children than a broken home? If that is your only consideration, then I think you not only bring up psychologically healthier children by splitting but also inculcate in them the thought that physical abuse of a woman is not acceptable. Is it the thought of losing custody over your children that is vexing you? That is a tough one to answer but I would still say it is worth more to keep your peace of mind as well as set an example to your children – not to mention that you should not accept defeat in the battle for custody before you have even fought it. Is it the thought that the father can provide for a better future for them than you can? Well – there is a choice between material benefits to the children versus psychological benefits. But, make no mistake, staying put has its costs for your children.
If you are financially dependent, there is an issue. The idea should, nevertheless, be to achieve your financial independence – be it by your own work or by way of alimony. If the achievement of the idea will take time and you have no choice but to stay on, it is still not worthwhile to put up with the physical abuse. At this juncture – after a few years of accustoming your husband to acquiescence – it may require more than words to stop the abuse. Am I advocating violence? Yes, in retaliation and self-defense. Non-violence is a great ideal in the clashes between cultures, civilizations and communities since you can expect a majority to be reasonable and good people. Apply it on any one-on-one relationship and you may well be showing the other cheek to Jack-The-Ripper and, if you think it is going to melt his heart, you belong in cloud-cuckoo-land. Even that apostle of non-violence – Mahatma Gandhi – said that it is not against Ahimsa for a woman to fight with every weapon at her disposal to save her honor. I am a votary of Swami Vivekananda who is reputed as having said that you first learn to be Rajasik and fight against evil, even by violence, before you start talking of being Satvik. Too often, we find votaries of non-violence arguing for being the patient victim and nothing encourages the violent more than a passive victim.
Am I talking of a lifetime of such battling at home? In some circumstance it may work out to be so, since the woman may not be able to achieve economic independence for herself and a decent future for her children on her own. If she can, and the very moment that she can, she should adopt the third option of walking away from the marriage. Why should one live a life full of resentment and anger when you can achieve peace by merely avoiding the person who causes the strife?
If it is at all possible for the woman to walk away with dignity, she should. That does not mean that she needs to give up her rights – either to property or, more importantly, her children. As for what the world would say, it is a question of facing it down. I have hardly found anyone persisting in nagging a person with unwanted advice and criticism when she says, “You may like living a life of physical abuse or not have the courage to act against it. I do not!” As for what the world would talk behind your back that is something it would do anyway regardless. No-one, not even someone who loves you, lives the life you do and it is your needs that should be paramount and not their gossip.
Of course, there is an additional plea to all women – mothers, mothers-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, neighbors whoever. When a woman chooses to act against a life of physical abuse, could you kindly be more supportive? Is there a pressing need to always prove that the worst enemy of a woman is another woman? Men, I am sure, need to change a lot of their attitudes but if women find it so difficult to change their own in favor of their own sex, how then do you expect men to change?

28 comments:

  1. Very well said Suresh.. it is the women who says you should respect your husband, prevent the relationship from breaking, see what is best for your family blah blah blah before taking any step. They also glorify women who suffer silently. As far as I know, you cannot stop violence with compassion. Women have to stand for women before men realize they are wrong.

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    1. Ah! Thanks again! I was anticipating the possibility of some flak on that point :)

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  2. Some women have a "victim" or martyr mentality. Some think that, over time, their love or patience will change him. Some are in denial that it's really abuse..."He doesn't really mean it when he says those things. He's just drunk....He just can't control his temper.....He's had a hard life.....No one understands him like I do....." Some are raised with the idea that women are supposed to be tolerant of men and that men are just boys in adult bodies. "Don't run faster than the boys do...you'll never get a date." Many women have grown up in households where the man "rules the roost", and they fall into that same pattern. In many cases, the woman comes to be convinced that she deserves the abuse and that she can't do anything right. When the man says, "No one else would ever want you", she believes because her mind is so caught up in HIS emotions and attitudes that she loses herself. And then, there are women who feel trapped financially or feel that they have to stay due to threats to physical being or threats by the husband that he will take the children or disinherit them if she leaves. All KINDS of leverage that a man can have with a woman who is in emotional turmoil, has low self esteem, and has become dependent on him to help her care for their children.

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    1. One can attempt to change only that which can be changed, Titli! A blog post can only serve to clarify confused thought processes - all the other psychological mess-ups do exist but those need detailed counselling and reading one post is not going to change such a person.

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  3. Well said and Insightful Indeed!

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  4. Sometimes, I feel so sad to read this and most of the times, I have no reaction. I am so tired of reading/hearing about all this. Why can't we just grow up as a society. Physical abuse is not Ok in any relation.

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    1. That feeling of tiredness occurs to me too, Saru! And that is one of the reasons why things do not change. The violators have the patience to wait your outrage out and continue merrily.

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  5. I do agree with you n that one, A financially independent women is less prone (may not be immune) to abuse from her husband or in laws as she has a better sense of self and higher self esteem. It do help from being thrashed.

    Pages off Life

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    1. Apparently even they are not immune, Rupert. But, yes, they are in a better position to walk away if need be.

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  6. Agree. Since mindsets need to change, it has to be for both, men and women. I know of two women who tolerate physical abuse from their husbands. Both suffer because they are not financially independent and children are involved.

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    1. That's the biggest difficulty - lack of financial independence or sufficient finances to take care of the children's future.

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  7. well thought .. absolutely remedial post !! i agree with all the points mentioned by you Suresh ji !! this is simple - even the smell of domestic violence,an indication of any physical hyper-ness from a man towards his wife or girlfriend or sister or daughter ... should be dealt with reasoning and counter-questioning as to why rather than taking it as fate !
    While I read a lot since yesterday about domestic violence - for a husband to be penalized is still lot easier but dealing with physical attacks by brothers and fathers (which is also a reality as prominent as attacks by husbands)is lot difficult.
    Self dependence comes from financial security in this practical world ... and a major move to claim - a woman's space is her ability to earn !And yes the point you mentioned was .. its a woman who needs to stand for a woman first .. be it mother or mother in law ... only then beasts (wearing man's skin) can be taken to task !! loved every bit of this post as it is coming up with sincere solutions which are so practical and easily explainable to the ones who are going through this horrible trauma .

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    1. That is a big problem too - physical abuse by fathers and brothers which paves the way for the woman to become a victim to marital abuse as well!

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  8. As poignant as ever...you have gracefully fed the virtues of MK Gandhi and our long lost cultural tradition...today also A woman is regarded as a goddess but things end right there and people forgot to implement the long lasting virtues of the traditions and our culture and the result is out for sure...domestic abuse

    great thoughts...and the explanations needs implementation rather than debates...!!!

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  9. Suresh, I hope your powerful writing will serve as a wake-up call for many.

    A standing ovation for this post.

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    1. Thanks, Purba! I wish my writing were really powerful enough to - if only for the necessity of the impact.

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  10. I fear that the biggest obstacle for a woman to forfeit an abusive relationship might be a purely realistic one - financial. 'Where will I go?' and 'What will I do?' and 'How will I support my children?'
    I am not sure if the question of alimony is that easily settled even by law in India.
    One of your more detailed, thought provoking posts, Suresh.

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    1. That question of alimony is not settled even when it is settled in court Rickie! To ensure observance of the settlement is far more difficult.

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  11. Missed this event. Nice write up of your views.

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  12. Suresh, the sad reality is that while even women who are financially independent are victims, those that are not, do not have the self-esteem required to believe that they can break out of the man's clutches. Most times, repeated verbal abuse seeps into the mind so, that they start to believe there is no way out.

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    1. Don't I know it, Corinne! The problem is that they are unlikely to have 'aha' moments and change upon reading a random blog post somewhere. I think i said that once earlier - I address only the confused, not those who have serious issues of self-esteem. The only solution for them is counselling and for Society is to change attitudes - both of which are long term solutions.

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  13. Good analysis, Suresh. Somehow I can not get myself to write these kind of essays on serious topics unless I have a view radically different from the popular view point.

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    1. Yeah! Sometimes it does seem like you are rehashing the same things that everyone knows. But then sometimes people in a situation find themselves more confident just knowing that what they think resonates with others.

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  14. Very aptly said. A daughter is taught right from the childhood to never consider her own needs. They are taught that self-respect and pride is tantamount to arrogance and selfishness. Thankfully I never prescribed to that philosophy :)

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    1. Hope the time will come when everyone - men and women - will cease to follow it

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