Thursday, March 21, 2013

A typical(?) Group Discussion


“Ladies and Gentlemen! As you are aware, we are starting a new company for pet foods. We are here to discuss the products that we need to make and the markets we need to sell to.”

There was a rustle of movement. People crunching on their biscuits had to hastily swallow their mouthfuls in order to avoid making unseemly noises.

“Rahul! If you were the CEO of this company, what would you prefer to start out with – cat-foods or dog-foods?”

Rahul sank into a deep reverie.

“Rahul?”

“Sir! I am happy in my current department. I do not want to be shifted to this new company even as CEO”

“That’s not the point…”

“Sir! I think, maybe, Vandana would be the best for the position”, chirped in another voice.

“Do not keep promoting your protégés, Sid! Vandana has no experience in setting up a new project. Sulekha, on the other hand…”

A cacophony of voices erupted with some supporting previously proposed candidates and others proposing new ones. This went on for some time with the Chairman (of the group discussion) unsuccessfully trying to bring about some control.

There was a tearing noise at the head of the table. A great deal of hair was falling at the Chairman’s feet and there even seemed to be a minor bleed on his scalp.

“I think you people are missing the point here”

The Chairman turned eagerly towards the man who was trying to save the day.

“We are discussing pet foods. So, what we should be asking ourselves is – should people have pets at all”

There was a suspicion of tears in the Chairman’s eyes. It may be unmanly to weep but, God, there were times when it could be such a solace.

“Why? I mean, there is no point in cats, I agree. But dogs? A dog is a man’s best friend”. The speaker’s face had the smug look of a man who had turned an original neat phrase.

“What do you mean – no point in cats? Cats kill mice.” That gem of a zoological discovery deserved a Nobel Prize if one were on offer for Biology – or so the speaker thought obviously.

“Cool, guys! To each his own! I think we should allow people to have whatever pets they want to keep”

A detailed discussion ensued about what pets may be allowed for people and what pets ought not to be permitted. There was unanimous agreement – after a long discussion of the pros and cons - only on the inadvisability of keeping the larger carnivores for pets.

For a dizzy moment the Chairman felt he was in Parliament discussing a Bill on whether people ought to be allowed to keep pets. He shook his head and reminded himself of where he was. What he could still not do was to bring the meeting down to discussing what needed discussing.

There was a very provident interruption.

“Lunch is served.”

Absolute unanimity prevailed with everyone making a beeline for the lunch counter.

The Chairman turned to the Secretary.

“Make some cogent minutes of the meeting for this”

As the Secretary bent to his laptop to type in the minutes, he could hear the discussion that went on.

“I think that these restaurants are overcharging us. We need to look into the bills”

“Sir! We need to ask ourselves whether we should order food from outside at all or have a canteen of our own”

“Take that up later and concentrate on what is happening today.”

“Sir! In that case we should concentrate on whether today’s bill is correct, whether this particular restaurant is overcharging us and, if so, by how much. There is no point in talking about all restaurants and all bills now”

There was a retching noise, which sounded suspiciously like the Chariman’s throat.

The Secretary smiled faintly and started typing.

It was concluded unanimously that a consultant should be appointed to identify the products to be made by the proposed pet food company…..


If you liked this you may like to check out the index of other posts of this genre or read a selection of similar posts.

46 comments:

  1. Very funny, CS. Wonder what (or who) inspired this post on group discussions :-)

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    1. That's a very dicey phrase - 'Very funny' - depending on the tone it could well mean "Not funny at all. You have offended me deeply":)

      Oh! I was not always retired you know! In fact, to be retired you need something to retire from :) The second half of my working life was mostly meetings and, though I never chaired one, I had had to deal with this sort of to-the-point discussion :)

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  2. hahahaha.....very typical!! we used to have briefings for new product launch and the discussions would veer strangely out of context and the product head would keep banging the table every now and then in frustration!! could so very well identify the scene here!!

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    1. I always knew my work experiences could not be unique :)

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  3. Good one, I was wondering where it was going while I was reading...And what an apt ending. couldn't have been better :D I am assuming this is not completely fiction- happens a lot in corporates ;-)

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    1. This is 'reductio ad absurdum' of what really happens in corporates :) Exaggerating the real life happenings to absurd levels - so, maybe, 'Exaggeratio ad absurdum' or some such thing :)

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  4. what a perfect description Suresh :) people miss the point and the discussion goes on a all together different tangent.

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    1. Thanks, Vinita! That's the fun with people - that they can never stick to the point :)

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  5. Fun read yet very simply explains what people do, everything besides the point.

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  6. It's a miracle how the country gets run. This is so common one has to laugh. It beats tearing one's hair out.

    Dagny

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    1. The world, Dagny, the world :) I have no choice but to laugh - hvnt any hair to tear out :)

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  7. Oh you have no idea how many times I have been in meetings where the only light at the end of the tunnel were the words - Lunch is here!
    Like you, I shudder at how I existed in a corporate setup for so long! :D

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    1. We are the lucky ones, Rickie! We escaped early :)

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  8. Meetings were so cruel and we young smarties felt that our boss was an idiot.And boy they dragged on and on. You know this could be said about discussions on FB threads and blog post comments. They tend to take off tangentially as well :).

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    1. Get a group together anywhere Rachna and it happens :)

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  9. Haha!So,did they all get their pet foods?
    Was at least one purpose served?

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    1. They did! They did! At the lunch counter - now that is one pun I missed using in the post :)

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  10. hahaha, hilarious as always! i remember reading a series of fun posts about pet foods on your blog. i have a sneaking suspicion that you are working as a consultant for some pet food company :D.

    thank you for spreading all the cheer!!

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    1. Yup! The Marketing Battles series!

      Debs! If I were a consultant to any pet food company they would boot me out - or feed me to a hungry tiger - after these posts :)

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  11. Ha Ha ! I am out of corporate world from past 4 and half years.

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  12. This sounds almost exactly like every meeting I ever attended while working with the Commonwealth Games. Except that the person tearing her hair out in tufts was me. Preserving my hair was one of the biggest motivators in my quitting the organization before I went bald or insane or both. A great write as usual :-)

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    1. Thanks, Mixi! Maybe you should have insisted on one of those hair protection systems that Indi-contests are all about this year :)

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  13. You brought back not so good memories of endless hours spent in useless meetings, Suresh. So glad I don't need to do that stuff again. But then we sometimes do such crazy stuff online, don't we? :)

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    1. Hope at least now you are able to laugh at them, Corinne!

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  14. Beautiful ending and a great topic u have chosen:) People rarely converse on pet food topics....good outcome altogether:)

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  15. Haahaha.. That's the usefulness of uselessness!! Good Job!

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  16. Haha, this does happen a lot of times not only in corporate meetings but in our day to day lives as well.

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    1. Any time a group of people get together, Arti :)

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  17. Nice. When i saw on Facebook, I thought you are still advertising the old corporate wars. This could also be part of it, if you were to make coroporate wars into a book.

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  18. Good and interesting story [I mean conversation] and must be as your Choice wasn't correct. :)

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  19. There are times when I close my eyes and imagine a dinosaur break into the meeting room. Unfortunately, I have been a part of such meetings and its not so pleasant consequences. I usually end up in a temporary coma after them.

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  20. LOL! I have been a part of many board and AGM and seriously this is how they behave. Agenda has no relevance :P

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  21. "Art of sleeping with eyes open" is what at least I learnt during such meetings until your hear those musical and awe inspiring proposals like 'Tea Break' or 'Lunch', during which break I often noticed to some amusement, a good proportion of the people are actually on the subject! May be that's the time when people actually believe that there is no 'free lunch (or tea)', much to the consternation of others whose single minded focus is on the items served during the tea / lunch. It is encouraging to see that there is how it is across the board.

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    1. I practiced that art since school, Sudhakar :)

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  22. I used to transcribe GDs and interviews for market research companies, early on in my working life and they used to be exactly as you have described — totally out of context and great fun for me. Most of these meetings used to end with the suggestion for a consultant to be brought in :-)

    A request Suresh, how about a post on PPTs? Only you could write do justice to it.

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    1. Now that's an interesting post idea - you give me ideas for posts and make it a request? neki aur pooch-pooch? :)

      But, btw, PPTs for me mean Pre-placement talks - the companies used to give at IIM. Also mean presentations, I understand :) Rather than clarify from you I shall try to attempt both soon :)

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  23. You nailed it! Unbelieveable, the way meetings can go so offtrack! Starting out discussing something and by the end of the day, you'd be thinking and trying to backtrack, how the hell did we end up where we did!

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