Thursday, September 4, 2014

A substantial issue?

I look into the mirror. A small sphere, set atop a much larger sphere, looks back at me. I may not exactly be as broad as I am tall - yet - but I have certainly made substantial progress towards that goal.

"Tubby or not tubby, that is the question", I say to myself.

This happens once every year with me. No, it is NOT love (nor is it Dove, by the way). I know that the Bard may have said, "It is not Love which alters when it alteration finds", but mankind, as usual, considers that when Billy said 'alterations', he did not mean to include alterations in weight and bank balance. (Much like people believe that when their scriptures said, 'Love thy neighbor as you would love thyself', it could not really have meant THEIR neighbor). So, when you put on weight and your lady love takes one look at you and says "Ewwww! I don't want to see you again", you would be advised not to be quoting the Bard. She would only say, "Yeah! So it never was love, so what?", and you would have lost love retrospectively as well as prospectively.

Where was I? Ah! Telling you that it was NOT love, wasn't I? Anyway, it is really not love. It is just that, once a year, I trek in the Himalayas and lugging all this weight around at those altitudes makes me feel more like a porter than a trekker. So, the idea of 'not tubby' seems more attractive around that time. Why I did not trek when I was lath-thin (I really was, you know! Like my beard, my girth too developed long after I was born), I will never know.

So, yes, Billy's sayings did come in handy for a while. "Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them", I used to say to explain how I was not responsible for my weight gain, since the damn thing was thrust upon me. I believed it, too. Though, I would have preferred that, when it was thrust upon me, it had been targeted more evenly across my body. There are those, who have even achieved greatness similarly but, since it has been achieved from head to toe uniformly, they only look substantial whereas, in my case, getting all that greatness around the waist has made me look fat. (I still prefer that word to obese - it sounds close to obscene and who wants to be known as looking obscene?)

The problem with education is that there are always those guys who know more than you do. So, up comes a guy with a quip to beat my 'greatness thrust upon me' quote. I say that thing to him and he gets back with "Not that he loved slimness less but that he loved dining more", misquoting Brutus. It certainly did not help that this happened when I had just heaped Biryani on my plate, in what I thought was modest quantities and what others seemed to think was enough for a family of four.

And then people started giving me all sorts of scary news. Apparently, these fats were not content to park themselves around the belly. They also parked their LDLs haphazardly on the sides of the blood vessels causing traffic jams of blood corpuscles. Sometimes, it could result in gridlocks in the blood vessels supplying the heart or the brain.

For a while there, I seriously considered reducing weight - even without the prospect of a trek. The problem was with the process. It was gratifying to know that there was, at least, one thing in the world that was easier to acquire than to lose. You know, with wealth and reputation, it is the other way round. Surprisingly, though, it did not make me happy at all. Why is it that the only thing you want to lose is SO difficult to lose, and the things, that you would rather not lose, dissipate like mist? Life is a b****!

THAT phase did not last long, though. Life is a journey towards death, anyway, and I am a man in a hurry. Or, if you prefer quotes, "Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die". I could never bring myself to obsess about how long I could live and lose the chance of living that day. Or, in more pompous terms, I was incapable of postponing current gratification for a future benefit.

So, 'Tubby or not tubby'? Well - the trek is only in October and, meanwhile, that luscious pastry is staring me in my face NOW.

Tubby it is going to be!

32 comments:

  1. I relate to this soo much.. *Looks at the pastry sitting on her desk*

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  2. All the very best for the trek sir - is it a different trail and destination every time or is it a specific path/destination. I look forward to reading your trek-posts :) Do take lots of pics sir :)

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    1. I do not take pics Mahesh - am quite a dud at it. Other take pics and, if they share, I post them here :)

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  3. Hilarious and spunky as always .. 'more like the porter then the trekker' :P chubby n tubby...:)

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    1. Tubby certainly :) Chubby sort of indicates attractively overweight - THAT I doubt :)

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  4. "Apparently, these fats were not content to park themselves around the belly. They also parked their LDLs haphazardly on the sides of the blood vessels causing traffic jams of blood corpuscles." - Funny funny. See how a post developed out of a simple comment. You should read me more. :P

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  5. Good luck for the trek Suresh--it will dissolve the pastries.

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  6. Here's wishing that the blood corpuscles and the LDLs lining them cooperate with you till the end of this trek at least. As for the next trek, well, the pastries will help kill the time between this trek and the next :D

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    1. And the time till this one as well, Jairam :)

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  7. Go grab it. I am enjoying one even as I type. Cholesterol is good for us, says a new study. So let the LDLs park themselves comfortably.

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    1. Doctors keep changing their opinions like yo-yos - so I have been doing what I felt like doing without bothering about them for quite some time now, Alka! :)

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  8. As I read this I am nibbling the nimki ... :) ..

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    1. Looks like I am going to get a lot of people blaming me for their weight gain :)

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  9. Enjoy that pastry I tell you. For me it would be a plateful of pakodas, somehow sweets were never my thing :P

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    1. Nor for me, in the sense that I do not PINE for sweets if I do not get any. I cannot avoid them when I do. Now, Pakodas....do you really HAVE to tempt me? :)

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  10. And I had to read all this while I have just stuffed myself with some extra cheese pizza and have plans of stuffing some more with cake, gulab jamun and pasta :). I will certainly walk a little harder this evening. Good luck for your October trek. Is it in the Himalayas again?

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    1. Yes - The Upper Mustang trek in the Annapurna ranges, Nepal.

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  11. wow I wish I could go for that trek :)
    Tubby is very stubborn, refuses to go away... it's an uphill for sure :) all the best :)

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    1. Far more uphill than any of my treks have been :) And I have been on some very high treks :)

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  12. hilarious is not the word, the "porter,trekker" line and the "fats parking themselves" line are outstanding, thoroughly enjoyed reading this and yes i too am tired :) all the best for the trek though :)

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    1. Thanks Seema for both these heart-warming words and the best wishes

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  13. Hilarious as usual Suresh ! I think sometimes it pays to be err..substantial for one can throw their weight around :)

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    1. Hahaha! Lugging it around makes me breathless - where is the question of throwing it around? :)

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  14. Look at the bright side. There's more of you to love and your friends can claim to care two much for you :p

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    1. Oh1 I do I do! Which is why I never care to think of reducing it in the normal course - only the idea of lugging it uphill makes me at all consider 'not tubby' :)

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  15. Right now in the same situation - Everyday I am postponing exercise and neglecting the desert after dinner - earlier it was - "Let me continue till my sore throat gets cured". Now it is -"Let me continue till I come to the end of this stressful project" No clue what excuse I will come up with once the stressful project ends.

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    1. Ah! But you are still a slim cuss - unlike me :)

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  16. Well, didn't Billy, as you address him so very familiarly, also say and I quote--

    " Let me have men about me that are fat,
    Sleek-headed men and such as sleep a-nights.
    Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look.
    He thinks too much. Such men are dangerous."

    I rest my case? I also believe we are victims of the changing times. Not too long ago truncal obesity (of the obscene kind) was considered a sign of prosperity and indeed good cheer. The lady of the house got a lot of compliments if she succeeded in fattening up the turkey, but these lean and mean days with almost everyone glumly pumping iron and checking their fitness bands every half an hour being fat and homely is no longer consider cool--guess we really need to be upset about Arnie, Sly, our own Sallu bhai and all these stupid bench pressers.

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    1. THOSE lines have also been dealt with in another piece :) AND the 'fattened turkey' in yet another :)

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