Sunday, April 28, 2013

The ‘Ring the Bell’ Meet


I must, at the outset, admit that I normally do not expect to find meets on serious topics interesting. The focus\, normally, turns on one particular viewpoint of some admittedly serious flaw in Society and the discussion ends up in painting a very gloomy view of Society, which jars on a natural optimist like me. The ‘Ring the Bell’ meet in Bangalore today was a very pleasant surprise because there was a mixture of entertainment and stimulating discussion rather than a one-sided diatribe.
In contrast to the ‘Bangalore for Women’ meet, which focused on problems faced by women in their interactions with the outside world this meet was more focused on domestic violence. A mono-act ‘Durga’ was put up by the ‘Ring the Bell’ team about a woman facing her first act of domestic violence, remaining silent and, thereafter facing repeated acts of violence till one day she retaliates and is forced by Society to apologize to her husband. The discussion that arose on what she ought to have done gave rise to a very stimulating discussion.
The best solution is for the woman to strongly object to the domestic violence at the very first instance. In any relationship, there are lines that the other person is not expected to cross. This line in a marital relationship has, at least, to be drawn very firmly at physical abuse in the mind of a woman.
There are three main issues why women do not do put their foot down at the first instance of physical abuse. The foremost problem is that most women do not draw the line that cannot be crossed in their own minds. In fact, in most cases the woman is herself unsure whether she has the right to draw a line at all or whether she has to adhere to the lines drawn for her by her husband. This lack of certainty about her rights arises out of the fact that Society tends to think that it is the woman who has to fit into the contours of the relationship as desired by the man – and that thought drives the reactions of parents, relatives and neighbors to any so-called ‘rebellion’ by the woman. So, the first bell that needs to be rung for women and for Society at large is “A woman does have the right to decide the sort of relationship she wants in her marriage and, most certainly, physical abuse is NOT acceptable”
The second issue is that women are seen as relationship-builders and most women tacitly accept that it is they who will need to build relationships – with the husband and his family. In and of itself, this is a virtue but, as the saying goes, any virtue carried to excess is a vice (and one can validly argue that it takes two to build a relationship so why should one person make all the compromises). Thus, when a woman faces the first instance of physical abuse at the hands of her husband, even she thinks that she can modify her man’s behavior – the typical reaction of ‘Sati Savitri’ of the old movies of trying to change a brute into a man by the power of her love and sacrifice. Yes, there are bound to be clashes between two people trying to build a relationship but, as ever, some lines should not be crossed. So, putting your foot down on physical abuse is not a refusal to accommodate or love – but a refusal to compromise on some vital areas. If your man is worth the effort of making compromises, the least that you ought to expect is that he shall accept that you shall not compromise on some things. The only thing that compromises on everything is a doormat and I really cannot see why you would want a pair of dirty feet in the place of a husband. The next bell that needs ringing is that “Openness to compromise in order to build a relationship does not mean that you need to sacrifice your pride or your value systems.”
For a lot of women, financial security is dependent on the man. Thus, the fear of being thrown out of the house and finding parents also urging her to adjust is a reason why women do not find the confidence to put their foot down at the very beginning. This underscores the need for both education for women as well as independent financial security – either by way of a job or by way of inheritance. This also means that women need to keep their finance independent of her man, especially where she is a house-wife and has no ready means to earn her living. So, the third bell that needs ringing is “Every woman should be at least confident of living on her own without having to depend economically on the man”
As a man, I would prefer a woman to want to live with me and not have to live with me because she is afraid of Society or afraid of penury or both. I would consider anyone less than a man if he does not have the confidence to keep his wife with him without coercion of one sort of the other. So, why should any woman want to live with an imitation of a man rather than living alone?

More of this here

38 comments:

  1. Those bells need to ring loud and clear.. actually, I never understand why people love to suffer in silence so much. You are right in saying that a woman should be a with a man because she wants to and not because she has to...

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    1. Thanks Farida! Great to know that my thoughts seem right to you.

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  2. Let me read the whole of it ,then i will comment.

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  3. You have given deep thought to the matter.I agree with all you say with an addition--emotional abuse is as despicable as physical abuse.
    I broached this in my post on the same subject http://jeeteraho.blogspot.com/2012/09/a-deadly-tie.html

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    1. I fully agree, Indu! In fact I used the words 'This line in a marital relationship has, at least, to be drawn very firmly at physical abuse in the mind of a woman' - and the 'at least' there was because I thought emotional abuse too should be a line that should not be crossed. I did not deal with 'emotional abuse' because it is a more complicated thing to identify - since one person can be hurt emotionally where the other person intended no hurt - and taking it into account would make the post too long.

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  4. A worthy post on a great cause, Suresh. It shows the sensitive soul you are. May God bless you.

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    1. Thanks, Uma! A necessary cause and I hope my post did some justice to it.

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  5. I have just one question - these Ring the Bell type of meets are ok but don't you feel they preach to the choir? How does one take the message beyond the sane folks in the blogosphere to that person who is thinking of raping his neighbour or hitting his wife right now?

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    1. To an extent these meets do preach to the choir, Rickie! And, honestly, I would never try to preach to the potential rapist or wife-beater. I think some awareness can be created in the potential victims - and the other currently ambivalent members of Society.

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  6. serious matter jotted down n well presented...



    InkMyTravel

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  7. Well-presented viewpoints. I also think that in the modern society where men and women are equals and independent, physical aggression still happens because the woman decides to forgive the man... after all, it was an emotional moment, they justify. It's sad, but I've seen it happen to a few friends.
    My husband and I set rules when we realized that our fights were becoming more fiery- No touching and no calling names during fights. I can't tell you how much more mature our fights became after that. Fights happen, but it's in our power to control ourselves.

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    1. I realize that forgiving part - and that is in large part because of the relationship-builder role that women have taken upon themselves - I mentioned that in the second part of this post.

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  8. I agree with Rickie's point above. I had the same feeling in the previous TOI meet. Those who attend are already tuned in to the issue. Seriously, I am tired of listening to the same bunch of people saying the same thing over and over again. We are already discussing it and writing about it, aren't we? I've personally written many posts on DV. I think, it would be helpful to share stories of DV survivors or give concrete ideas as to what a DV victim must do. I have known women who stick around in an abusive marriage for the sake of children or society but mostly it is their own demons they are fighting. Some are even working professionally. I think a woman needs strong moral support most of all when she undergoes this. If her family, friends or relatives don't rally around her and give her an emotional blanket, she can never take that step. I want you to see this TED video http://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave.html

    And that is not to take away from all your valid points in this post and the next. Women need to stand up for each other; financial independence helps a lot; a woman needs to be conditioned at home and in the society right from her childhood to never compromise her self-respect. That is the only thing my dad said when I was getting married. Never ever compromise on your self-respect!

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    1. Do you think my POV is in any way different from yours and Rickie's Rachna! The only point of deviation - and may not really be a point of deviation at all from you since you still do write your blog-posts on these issues - is in the fact that I think that it is still good to be writing about it since if it touches one chord somewhere, just once, it is more than worth the time spent on it. As for the meets, for me it is sometimes a reality check. In all those four hours there is at least one incident or memory from someone which shows me a picture of the world that I have not seen before. Otherwise, yes, by and large it is rehashing what we all know and agree upon :)

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    2. I agree Suresh! Somewhere some story, some experience, some memory makes us sit up and gasp. And I hope too that posts like these will help provide some succor to some woman out there battling the same issue. But, I just feel frustrated that you and I are unable to do something more and tangible like actually reach out and make a difference. Heck, I wasn't even able to convince a close friend to walk out of her abusive marriage and philandering husband. She just cut off her ties from me :(.

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    3. We can but try, Rachna! There will always be a lot who dare not take the plunge and make a needful change.

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  9. Actually this is the way we are brought up. When I see women here, they are better than us. Among other things, we need to make women independent and tell them they need to stand for themselves.

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    1. Which is what this meet sought to do and this post seeks to do in a small way, Saru!

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  10. Suresh , well.. while i loved reading every single sentence you wrote and it makes so much sense ... domestic violence and the three issues.. and I agree these things exist ... in India .. very much ...and need to be handled with utmost ... sensibility ..
    I beg to completely differ and may be I will be beaten up verbally for what I am going to say ( or may be supported too) but i will have my say put here on the topic... I am yet to meet a women of the age who will take regular scoldings from a man .. forget about physical abuse ....
    I have rarely met a woman who will compromise her ego for a relationship...
    and i have rarely met a woman who does not work and if at all she does not ... she never forgets reminding her guy .. that its because of him she is not working ...
    and even me being a man ,neither do I expect to take away a woman's identity from her .. in ANYWAY and have the right to expect the same ...
    Alas , guess we live in two different India! While rapes and deomstic violence are a reality also family splits and divorce provoked by woman kind and false court cases against men is also a reality going parallel !! :) now I am ready to be beaten up for speaking against Women of India :D

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    1. Let us have one thing out in the open here. If you are yet to meet such a woman, I can only invite you to attend one of these meets - you will certainly find a few. Check out the link given by Rachna above and you will find someone who says that one in three women in USA face domestic violence - and the lot of women in India is, if anything, worse. So, it only shows the limit of your experience and does not challenge the validity of the problem.

      Yes - the issue of men facing problems on account of women is also there. No one can realistically claim that all women are angels - so there are bound to be a few such cases. This post, however, was specifically addressed to the question of domestic violence against women. Also, the social set-up is weighted against women and, therefore, the number of women facing problems is far in excess of the number of men facing problems.

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    2. Indeed, when I say I have never met .. indicates .. my limit of experiences ...in ever knowing some women who suffered domestic violence...I never questioned its existence! :) dare I question the validity or existence of the issue... it surely does ..exist ... all i would say is ...it was me who changed the course of discussion .. should have dealt only with what the post was all about ... well...I apologize .. if my comment , in anyway,sounded counter-attacking.
      I do not prefer debating .. as we all have our perceptions and approach very unique towards everything that happens around us ..! Sincere apologies !!

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    3. Did I sound censorious? I am sorry and there was no need for apologies from you. It is just that having attended the meet and heard people from our own strata talk of their own or their friends' experiences of physical abuse - and refusal to leave the man - I was aware that the India that we live in is also not immune to this problem.

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  11. It is because of the pressure from society that people stay together. People consider it as a sin. Also in India, divorce is a painful process. The law is terrible and people approaching courts have to bear a lot of pain. Financial security is another issue why people don't want separation. There is enough of violation on women as well as by women. We choose to ignore it and push it under the cover. I guess it will taken another two or three decades before the situation changes.

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    1. Quite right - but it will not change even in 2-3 decades unless we start changing from now.

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  12. Domestic Violence happens both ways. Women are involved in abusing their husband.
    (1) Shouting, screaming or verbally abusing her husband.
    (2) Hitting her husband physically.
    (3) Throwing things at her husband.
    (4) Demanding excessive money for shopping and marketing.
    (5) Misappropriating her husband's hard earned money to meet her own needs.
    (6) Ridiculing him about his 'poor income'.
    (7) Calling her husband a miser if he does not buy her what she demands.
    (8) Filing false cases against her husband and in-laws.
    ...and so on ...

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    1. Hmmm! It does. But it is a question of proportion - How many women suffer domestic violence vs. how many men. I think I have dealt here with exclusively physical abuse. The physical strength differences and the Social set-up favors men more than women.

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  13. Women can also be violent. Most of the time it is verbal violence. In India statistics show 40% of women girlfriends and wives use physical violence on their partner. Yet the men have no legal recourse unlike women. It is time to make any violence or any laws gender-neutral. Domestic Violence needs to be looked at from a humane and humanistic perspective and drop the gender skew. Violence, abuse & injury of anyone is unacceptable & should not be tolerated. We need to help both.

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    1. Ah! I would like to know where these stat.s are from - urban, semi-urban, rural or all-encompassing. But, yes, I do agree that violence should not be tolerated whichever way it happens. This post was only in response to a certain question - what should a woman in a physically abusive relationship do.

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  14. It seems a while i am here reading your post...as i have been away for a while...but yes...i must confess ...i was really missing your writing...and today...i am overwhelmed...not only because i got to read one of your articles...but also because...you have written or rather grave issues...ignored in daily chores of life...love it...!!!

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    1. It's been a while Anjan, yes! Good to see you here.

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  15. A deep and insightful post, Suresh. Women should be able to stand on their own and not be dependent. And everything is there in the minds. Only if the mindset changes, things are bound to change. Very true that there is a line in the women's mind itself. Was good to read such a straight from the heart post..

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    1. Thanks for those warm words. What is in the mind is largely what has been put into it by upbringing and the Society we live in, FIF! Luckily, we all do not need to wait for Society to change before we change our mindsets.

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  16. I do think that such meets help raise awareness. There are a lot of people with internet access nowadays. It is another step towards making a victim realize that they have to draw a line somewhere. It is so strange that educated women too do not understand the concept.

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    1. Where do we educate on morals and character, Amit? So, educated men can act brutes and women can act victims.

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  17. Standing ovation for all the three rings of the bell. However, for me, the third ring is the first because I believe that once you are financially independent, you get the confidence to think outside the boundaries imposed on you by the society at large (and unfortunately, it includes your own family too). :)

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    1. Thanks Pankti! Actually, in the meet I found educated and financially independent women also caught in that trap. But, yes, financial independence is a necessary condition even if it is not a sufficient condition.

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