Monday, February 24, 2014

Child-like

The electric coffee percolator had just made an appearance in the Indian markets and I was yet to lay my eyes on one. My mom was waxing eloquent about it. "The coffee decoction comes down in a jiffy. It switches off automatically by itself. And, if you try to get more coffee out of it, it cleverly gives only plain water." The way she was describing it, it appeared as though there was a pixie sitting in it, monitoring the coffee-making and switching it off when done. If you tried to deceive it into giving more coffee, the pixie would thumb its nose at you, wag an admonishing finger and pour out straight water. Things always appeared more interesting than they really were when my mom described them.

She never lost the curiosity and enthusiasm that only children are reputed to possess. (In those days, children did possess curiosity and enthusiasm for other things than hand-held devices.) The world was always so much more fun when you saw it from her eyes. That, probably, is why she got along with children so well. She did not have to 'descend' to their level - she was always there.

Watching movies on TV - especially tragic movies - was great fun as a family. Any time a tearjerker scene appeared, all our heads would swivel to her as though they were marionettes operated by one string. She never disappointed - her eyes would shed copious tears, more than any heroine ever managed, without the benefit of any glycerin. Both when watching reel life or in real life, her tears were like summer showers - there for a moment and then cleared away by the blinding sun of her smile. In that as well she was more like a child - negative emotions were merely passing clouds and not an indelible stain in her mind.

When she first shifted to Delhi and stayed with me, her command over Hindi was shaky. One day, she came back, to take some money, proudly announcing how well she had bargained for something from a door-to-door salesman who had come next-door. "He was asking for 'Pacchees'. I stuck to 'Pachas' and got it for my price". When she went back to pay him, she realized that she had successfully bargained UP the price from twenty-five to fifty, while she thought she had done it the other way around. The ease with which she laughed at herself and retailed the story to everyone was a lesson to me.

I would have probably gone all red and would have glowered at anyone who dared mention the incident to anyone else, then or later. Hindu philosophy says that life is a process of ridding yourself of your ego AND psychology says that you start developing a sense of "I' some time after you are born. It always seemed to me like my mom did not see the point in first developing an ego and, then, spending a lifetime trying to rid yourself of it. So, she dispensed with the entire process by not developing one in the first place. If I find myself at all capable of laughing at my own follies - at least in retrospect and after a looong interval - it is probably thanks to her.

A lack of ego also meant that she could never maintain any anger or dislike for long. That, though, is a problem since most people do not bother to ensure that they do not hurt a person if they feel that there will be no consequences to it OR bother to do anything to please a person if they feel that they will have the goodwill of that person regardless. A problem for someone like me, maybe, but not for my mom. She liked people and gave little thought to what they thought of her. (An attitude that I have never been successful in fully imbibing, though I, too, am incapable of carrying grudges. Any negative emotion gives me a real headache and, till I shed it, I do not feel normal.)

When she was at the Adyar Cancer Institute being treated for Breast cancer in 1992-93, I could hardly expect to see her in her bed when I went there - except on the days she had chemotherapy. The doctors, there, could have been irregular in their rounds but my mom was regular as clockwork. She probably visited every patient there and tried to boost their spirits, so much so that most of them thought that she was a volunteer from some cancer support group and not a co-patient. Except on the days when the pain of the treatment got too much for her - when she merely remained silent - she still had as much zest for life and squeezed joy out of every moment. Courage, I then realized, did not lie in throwing out your chest and bellowing, "I will drink your blood" but in taking everything life can throw at you and still not lose your compassion, your affection for people and your zest for life.

It was only at the last in 1997, when the cancer had attacked her spine and left her paralyzed and bed-ridden, she started feeling like she was a burden on others and lost her zest for life. With that, she lost her will to live.

She left behind one ideal for me to strive to achieve. To live life as a child would live - with enthusiasm, curiosity, without letting the ego get in the way of relationships and taking joy in the moment.

76 comments:

  1. That explains what Mom was so beautifully. Just wanted to add that she lived until the very end, in the present, never the past or future. Just in that day. Every day when we came back from work, she though was in bed just talked about what happened in a TV show or who visited.

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    1. I did say that too, Sudha, though not as elaborately. THAT was indeed her stand-out characteristic.

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  2. An inspiration, your mother was! A powerful philosopher, and yet another example of exactly how wise and strong women of India have always been!

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    1. The best philosophy is always the one that does not call itself one. It just is!

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  3. You made me cry today Suresh. I wish I had met her. What an beautiful, wonderful woman! May she rest in peace.

    Thank you for sharing her with your readers. Bless you.
    Dagny

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    1. Thanks Dagny! I feel blessed too that I was her son.

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  4. It takes a lot of strength to be like that, a lot of strength of character...

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    1. That is the only sort of courage I acknowledge, Naba!

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  5. Wow...
    After losing my dad and my wife her mom to cancer...I understand the depth of where this comes from...well written!

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    1. Living with people who face up to adversity with a smile on their lips is a whole new life experience.

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  6. That is a very nice way to pay homage to your mom Suresh. Brought back memories of my own dad who had a zest of life and passed away at 64 of blood cancer. Courage at difficult times is the only thing that matters and I think, we all learn and mature far more, as we face sorrows and struggles in life.

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    1. The sorrows and struggles of life break some and burnish others, Ash! The latter sort are the best inspirations.

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  7. Suresh, thank you for sharing this lovely insight about the inspiration that is your mother. May she rest in peace. Not many people would have had the zest for life like she did, and I'm sure she's remembered fondly by everyone who has had the pleasure of interacting with her.

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  8. Such a powerful woman. And it reflects in your thoughts to.
    Blessed you are.

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    1. Like all real things, she did not project an aura of power, just an aura of tranquility.

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  9. It is an attitude I try so hard to incorporate in my life, the child like wonder, the ease with which one can wade through the good and the bad. I would have loved to meet her, it is a quality I so admire.

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    1. All of us would be the better for incorporating that attitude Ritu! I was lucky that I could see my mom live it.

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  10. Suresh, I wish I had met her. These are the qualities I wish to have, to be childlike, have that sense of fun and wonder. And to weather both the good and the bad with ease.

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    1. It is thanks to her that at least a bit of it has rubbed off on me

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  11. Mom was a great soul indeed! We must learn from her attitude..thanks for sharing her with us.

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    1. She was Amit! And my pleasure to share a bit of her with you

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  12. Loved reading about her. Such people inspire me and indeed the entire world. That pachees to pachas incident was so cute. And you are right; most of us would get angry if someone brought it up. She took you such powerful lessons. Thank you for sharing glimpses of her with all of us.

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  13. Suresh Sir - This is one post that will remain in my mind for a long time. Everyone's pain is different but yet again we are all bound by maternal affections and in a way the pain that a mother suffers passes on its emotional burden to the child as well. As I battle my own inner demons when I look after my amma who is battling umpteen illnesses - all I ask from my Maker is strength.

    Thanks for sharing this post about your amma - Suresh sir.

    Regards,
    Mahesh

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    1. I can only share what I understood of my mom's way of life Mahesh! The joys of any day are there only for then and do not wait till you are all done with your problems. We need to take joy where it comes, the sorrows appear lighter that way.

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    2. Dear Suresh Sir - Thanks - that's a lovely way to summarise how to lead one's life.

      Truly aap hamare guruji hain :)

      Thanks,
      Mahesh

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    3. Glad if I hv been of some help in your troubled times mahesh! I have been there twice over. My Dad had a heart operation when I was in my 10th and died in my last semeter f engineering. I was the eldest of three. And then my mom. My attitude to life is not merely for preaching - I have had to practice it too. Humor does not come to me because my life has always been a bed of roses :)

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  14. A wonderful woman...her philosophy is inspirational to us...( and I skipped reading the last few lines, I just don't want to )

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    1. She was. People do leave us, Maniparna - you need regret only the fact that you didn't make good use of the time you had with them.

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  15. Wow! This was so heartfelt that I had to say something about it! Though now that I have started typing, I am totally speechless!

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    1. Hmm - One of the things I did learn was to see the lighter side of everything. The vein of sentimentality runs deep in me BUT I rarely give vent to it.

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  16. My namesake Chandrashekharan needs no intro to the readers of middles and lighter vein pieces. This particular story in real life could be his best I would say. Alongside a dose of humour at the outset, he has narrated emotional sequences to wrap up this narration.

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    1. Like my mom's life, Suresh! There was never an absence of humor even when in pain.

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  17. She sounds awesome. I mean such a powerful lady she is! No wonder you are so profound :D

    God bless her!

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  18. Your lovely attitude to life which is displayed in almost all your posts has surely been passed on to your by your wonderful 'life loving' mother who you so wonderfully described in this post. Very rarely does one get to hear about or read about people facing adversity with a smile on their lips like your mother did.

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    1. Whatever positivity I have in my make-up came from her, I think, Jairam!

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  19. Suresh, Having known your mother from years ago but not having interacted much with her, this wonderful write up of her has introduced me to her in a very personal way. It clearly fits the image I have of her, always smiling, cheerful with a presence that makes one very comfortable. Enjoyed this piece...A homage to her beautiful legacy to everyone she came in contact with. Clearly living and showing by example what a lot of us struggle to master in life: the attitude to life in all its dimensions! And the best example of Courage, as you beautifully defined, based on her effortless innate demonstration! Felt Sad but at the same time peaceful for having gotten to know her better after all these years! That courageous outlook on life is the bedrock on which peace is built...alive or after!

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    1. I merely verbalized, Kumar - she lived that way

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  20. It is tragic that a lady so full of life and positivity had to suffer thus--it must have been heart-breaking for you to see her suffer.You seldom come out with personal details-this one shows how deeply you loved and respected her.

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    1. When feelings run deep, Indu, I find myself bereft of words

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  21. Nice knowing about your mother. Must have been a great lady.

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  22. What a wonderful ode to a person who sounds absolutely delightful in your words. I am sure that in reality she was even better. God bless your mother's soul.
    This was perhaps your best piece that I have read so far, Suresh.

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    1. Words are always inadequate at these times, Rickie

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  23. Wonderful women. I am
    Blessed to have spent my childhood days with her. She has taught me a lot in life. What an inspiring soul.

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  24. Very poignant Suresh and very very beautifully written. The best way to teach is by example. And that is what your mother had been doing all her life. Your tribute to her is fantastic. I always believe the best posts are the ones that come straight from your heart. Like this one !

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  25. Your post left me humbled, Suresh. I am not sure I can change the bundle of weaknesses that I am this late in life, yet, I will think of folks like your mother every time I am stressed. May she rest in eternal peace.

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    1. It must have been the person not the post, Uma! I merely attempted to chronicle - she lived that life.

      (Whatever did you do to piss off blogspot :) It keeps putting your comments in Spam :) )

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  26. I opened this post expecting some quirky humor but this one made my eyes moist Suresh. Now I know where your lovely attitude towards life comes from.

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    1. Good for me that I learnt a bit at least, Jaish

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  27. "She did not have to 'descend' to their level - she was always there." Why doesn't it sound the same when my kids mouth the exact same words?! Touching tribute, CS.

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  28. We have a similar story then, Sureshji. Recently, even I lost my Mom to the dreaded C- though a different form. Even she was very enthu about life. Sad when such active persons have to go through such pain. But, then "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers."
    May God give us the power to live up to their ideals as that's what they wish & must be watching us from Heaven.

    At first, I thought this is a Post for the #ConditionSeriousHai Cadbury 5-Star Contest. You have described some heart-touching incidents from your Mom's life. And you are so good with humour.
    But, then I realized that it's a Serious Post...

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    1. Sorry to hear that. Yes, God does seem to test the strong the most

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  29. Through your post I could vividly see the spirited lady, Suresh. I feel blessed today to be reminded of laughing at our follies and finding joy in small things. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this lovely post.

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    1. I really hope I did some justice to her and her life in this post, Ilakshee!

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  30. This one all remain with me for long. Just as I was smiling at the Pachees and Pachaas confusion, you hit me with that revelation. What an inspiring lady.

    Damn, the dreaded C. I lost my dad to the worst form - sarcoma.

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  31. Seems like I have met her...she sounds very similar to my mom. A touching tribute.

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  32. "It always seemed to me like my mom did not see the point in first developing an ego and, then, spending a lifetime trying to rid yourself of it. So, she dispensed with the entire process by not developing one in the first place."

    Beautifully written. How true and how difficult to imbibe and yet, how well it describes her.

    My memories of her days at Adyar were always about meeting her one floor down than where she was supposed to be :) I had a selfish motive of visiting her in those days, being a bachelor with the knowledge that hot coffee and tiffin, that were meant for her consumption, was just a bus ride away was a potent motivator :)

    My only regret in life is that Arjun is not fortunate to meet his grandmother who would have loved him to death.

    Great post, very moving. If athai was around, she would have had some serious competition as far as tear shedding is concerned:)

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    1. Yeah - She truly would have enjoyed having Arjun around her.

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  33. Very touching.Look,we realise them being next to us only after it's too late

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    1. Thankfully it has not been all hindsight for me

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  34. Wow Suresh... this post was unlike all others...very touching indeed... you know my husband lives his life on wit and humour and if you remind him of his age he says, c'mon I have never been this age, how do you expect me to know how to behave at it???" resonates so well with your last line :)
    Your mum sure had an awesome attitude..

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    1. Your husband seems like a man after my own heart :) Mom did have a wonderful attitude.

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  35. I have been wondering about your posts. I am not getting any email notifications and thought you are not blogging. And then I cam to your blog and found this nugget. Now I know where you get your self-deprecatory humour from. It is easy to laugh at/with others but to laugh at oneself and one's foibles takes a lot of self-confidence and your mother had that in abundance. No wonder she was child-like. Children are so self assured and confident.

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    1. Been blogging regular as clockwork twice a week, Zephyr! :) Don't know what's up with the email notifications.

      Yes - that lighthearted way of looking at the world I probably learnt from my mom.

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  36. You can also make readers tear up! At least you did it to this reader. A heartfelt and touching tribute, Suresh. Thank you for introducing to your beautiful mom. I can just picture her smiling and laughing child-like while narrating the bargaining incident. Having lost my mom a couple of years ago to cancer I can also connect with the pain of seeing our loved ones suffer in that way.

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    1. Thanks Beloo. It is such a devastating experience.

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  37. Great lady, my grandmother (God Bless her soul) was similar. Their zeal for life -- can't see it these days. Guess, Brahma threw that mold away after that generation...

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