Monday, February 17, 2014

I never had a Valentine

I have been particularly remiss in not posting anything on the subject of Valentine's day and am in serious risk of being banned by Social media. The harbinger of my impending pariah status is the fact that for the whole of the Valentine 'week' I have not had a single message from any South American or African lawyer offering to share a humongous unclaimed fortune with me. Truly  a fate to be dreaded.

I can offer only one excuse. I never had a Valentine. In the days of my youth, we started out avoiding girls - to the extent that teachers considered it a punishment to make a boy sit with the girls. What the girls did to deserve the punishment of having a boy squeeze into their desk is something that never bothered the teachers and, in that, they were probably aligned to Indian Jurisprudence as exemplified by the Khap Panchayats.

When we grew out of that phase and came to the conclusion that girls were pretty interesting creatures after all, Society stepped in. A boy caught talking to a girl, outside the confines of school, was a bad lot and certain to join the ranks of the criminals, if not the criminally insane. I am exaggerating, of course, though calling a girl for a date or proposing to her was a certain recipe for serious punitive action - right up to suspension and dismissal. Add to that the fact that India was not celebrating Valentine's day those days and you can understand that there was no possibility of any Valentine for me through youth. (One of the minor mysteries of life for me is what did all those guys, who now entertain themselves by breaking up valentine parties, do to pass their time in those days. Played gilli-danda, I suppose).

Actually, though, it is quite likely that I may never have had a Valentine anyway. I can always talk nineteen to a dozen, normally, to the extent that I cross the puny limits of verbal diarrhea into the exalted realms of Verbal Niagara. Comes the time when I really feel a strong emotion, though, I find this strange urge for silence.

You do not understand? Let me explain. When you brush accidentally against a stranger, the 'Sorry' comes tripping off your tongue. Think, then, of the time when you have seriously wronged a close friend and need to apologize. Someone seems to have tied your vocal chords into intricate knots. The vascular system, which really has no business in the process of vocalization, gets into the act and you find your ears turning a lovely carmine in color and the heart hammering away so busily pumping blood into your face that the opposite end of your body goes icy cold. The digestive system, not to be left behind, acts up too, drying your mouth of saliva and releasing a million fluttering butterflies into your stomach. The skeletal..you get the point? All right!

So, every time I approached a girl, this is precisely how I felt and, when I opened my mouth to talk and only managed to mewl, the lady of the moment fastidiously wrinkled her nose and moved away, assuming that I was about to barf. Needless to say, this did put a minor spanner in the works and, in retrospect, I find much reason to feel grateful that there was no Valentine's day in my days for me to be outside looking in forlornly at all those "Couples Only" places.

If I have given the impression that I am the strong, silent lover or, more likely, the mutt who comes running to fetch and carry when his idol crooked her finger and played the uncle, who became a horse or elephant as per choice, to her kids, I must admit such could have been the case but for a chance biological discovery. I found that the heart, being a muscle and not a bone, does not actually break and, thus, after a suitable interval, I always found another girl to mewl at.

In time, I found that picking heart-throbs from the heroines of any moment was much safer. You could always mewl at them and not run the risk of having to remember the dates and purchase gifts for the anniversaries (monthiversaries, if I may use the term, initially) of

1. The day we first met.
2. The day she first said 'Hello' and I gargled in reply.
3. The day we first had coffee together and I poured the coffee down her top trying to play the gallant lover.
4. Her Birthday - English AND Star
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AND all those non-biographical days like Valentine's day, New year, Christmas, Akshaya Trithiya..........

As anyone, who knows me, can tell, in addition to a memory like a sieve for dates...

I HATE SHOPPING.

52 comments:

  1. Being single is not such a bad thing. But why am I telling you this, you know that already!

    Being in love gives you the excuse to be silly, needy and cry at the drop of a hat.

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    1. Hahaha! I do know it isn't that bad - except when I fracture my hand and need to cry :)

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    2. Except when you know you have everything but no one!

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    3. Marriage is no guarantee nor is being single a prohibition to have caring people around you Gaurav!

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  2. There must have been someone atleast Suresh ? :D

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    1. If there was, she kept the secret very well :)

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  3. The greener grass on the other side is actually an astro turf. Trust me, most men envy you. But valid point. When the heart is actually a muscle and not a bone, how can it break? Spasms, maybe.

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    1. Oh! I AM perfectly content, Alka :) I do not even have the urge to look at the other side, leave alone envy it :)

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  4. Ohh feh! I am sure there must have been many a woman! Who wouldnt like a man capable of making such jocular observations on mundane everyday life after all!

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    1. Jesters are for entertainment - not for keeping around in your house :)

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  5. You definitely saved a fortune and had some peaceful days, there is always some positive ;) :)

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  6. Selfish Suresh,are you aware how many hearts YOU might have broken or at least twisted ?

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    1. Where were they when I was still mewling around real women? :)

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    2. Methinks they might have been mewling at their ends while you were mewling(how i love this word) at your end,and this silent symphony went unheard.Alas!

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  7. To each their own is all the wisdom I will spew!

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  8. Suresh, you can always have a 'Valentine' and she need not reciprocate your feelings. Done in your classic style. Is that the reason you are less visible on social media at the moment?

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    1. Haha! No Uma! If it is not travel, it has been guests since Jan. Limits my time on Social media.

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  9. Suresh, this is one of the smoothest narratives I have read from your pen. It just flows so lyrically that I was lost. And didn't have time to note (thus comment) on the content. All I would say, therefore is, Ha!

    Dagny

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    1. Lyrical? You will irretrievably tarnish my reputation, Dagny :)

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  10. haha!!! Gargling and mewling in reply.
    Let us introspect. There might have been someone who made you want to reply more than just a mewling.

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    1. Lots made me want to do a lot more :) It is just that the gargling and mewling is all that I managed to actually DO :)

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  11. Aww... that's when you turn your handicap around into a strength and act like a stoic, man-of-few-words guy. And as for remembering the dates, hey, what are smartphones for?

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    1. Smartphones came in too late for me. At 50, it is a shade difficult to get the enthu going for finding a valentine :)

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  12. I remember that phase of 'hating' boys when even a fleeting touch of 'their' desks would result in us blowing away God Knows What from our finger tips!! And the same on 'their' part! Now see what Valentine's Day has done to all! Erased all barriers and how! I bet you Did not reply in gargles but waxed oh so eloquently.

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    1. Came to the same thing. They just ran away from the barrage of words :)

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  13. "I can always talk nineteen to a dozen, normally, to the extent that I cross the puny limits of verbal diarrhea into the exalted realms of Verbal Niagara. "

    Lines to be carved on stone sculptures for posterity to admire and reflect :)

    Super-post :)

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    1. Where? Alongside "Munna luvs Chunni"? :) Thanks Mahesh!

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  14. Loved your writing style... definitely a great wordsmith :-)
    But I've to disagree... there are things you get to experience and enjoy more being married rather than staying single :-)
    Yes, there are risks involved... like heart being broken ( it's not the muscle I'm referring to), pain of being rejected etc... but it's worth all of it towards the end...

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    1. I am not making a case here for not getting married or not getting a valentine, Danny! Merely telling how it has been with me :)

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  15. Suresh, that was hilarious. Every time you laugh at yourself this way, it feels great. You seem like a Shia at Muharram. :D You have no idea how lucky you really are, being single and humorous. :)

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    1. Oh! I have a fair idea, Achyut :) This is only my way of warding off the evil eye :P

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  16. Sensible women (this one's already taken) know men are men and remind them of important dates, preferably in time for them to summon up the energy to visit a mall. They also drop broad hints on what would be welcome. All you need to do is find one -- a sensible woman, that is :-)

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    1. Begs the question Mimmy! Can any woman who will have me for a valentine be termed sensible :)

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  17. Suresh, you sound like Charlie Brown, in one of our American comic strips. In addition to his many challenges, he never gets a valentine. He may not get a valentine, but like you, is beloved by his many readers.

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    1. Love to think so - not the 'never getting a valentine part' but the 'beloved by many readers' part :)

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  18. Being single is not bad...but I want all my friends and acquaintances to get married. Only then they can estimate the conundrum of couples..:-P

    ...really enjoyed it..especially all those instances of gurgling and mewling...:-)

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    1. Hmm - Well, I have a fair idea - even without getting married :)

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  19. Love the way you have written this one. Marital status does not decide ones happiness or contentment i think. It depends on the individual. Being single gives you more independence and freedom i suppose. Of course you dont have to remember dates or do shopping :)

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    1. Yes, Jaish, different strokes for different folks. And, married or single, every person carries his own personal heaven or hell in her/his own mind :)

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  20. Loved it as always :) but it does seem like you mewled at all the wrong women, are you sure while you were mewling away at some, there wasn't someone ogling away at you??? Give it a thought :)

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    1. Love to think so :) Will make me feel not totally unwanted :)

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  21. For a second time, one of my comments on your blog getting swallowed. Good to see you jumping on to the valentines day bandwagon.

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    1. Was feeling very much the odd man out for not mentioning Valentine's day at all :P

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  22. Hahahah oh gawd I am still laughing at your niagra line... Don't worry you didn't miss out much... The guys I knw dnt take it seriously either... Ask my husband... :D this post is a laughing riot.

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  23. Loved your list of things to remember ! And being single is well, I would just say different. Its not good and its not bad, its different like Maggie tomato sauce :)

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  24. Just remember, there are women who go through the same thing when it comes to talking to guys. I firmly believe there is someone out there for all of us - we just have to keep our eyes open. Maybe the right girl for you will realize you're nervous - and pre-empt that nervousness by asking YOU out instead!

    All the best,
    Rose

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