Monday, June 6, 2016

A bachelor and a baby

"Ngyamaooonyamaeee"

"Look! Look! He is calling you mama."

I hastily wiped that incredulous look on my face and put on a suitably impressed look, as my friend's wife turned to me. Impressed look, it had to be, considering that this child prodigy of a three month old had taken just a nanosecond to look at me, divine our relationship and find the word to express it. Meanwhile, my mind was working feverishly to identify exactly how that screeched set of syllables meant mama ('Uncle', for those of you who know not what it means in propah English; 'maternal uncle' to the offspring of a sibling or just generally 'uncle' to the rest of the babes of the world.) I parse those vocal syllable and, hey yes, there was first a 'ma' and then a 'ma', separated by what Divine Providence equips parents to identify as nonsense syllables.

Hmm! When I had agreed to host these new-born parents and their baby for a few days, the only problem I had envisaged was an issue of insomnia. From what I had gleaned, babies did not particularly care if you slept when they slept, but took grave objection to your sleeping when they are awake - and have no compunction about screaming their objections lustily. Looks like there was a lot more to it than just that.

For one, the entire day was awash in baby-talk. No, not from the baby, it was quite content to do it infrequently. The parents, though, were at it all day - as though they were learning a new language and had to keep practicing it lest they forgot how to speak it. The baby looked as though it was bemused at having its role usurped by them.

If they had only kept it to themselves, I may have found a way to ignore it. The problem was that they WOULD try to get ME to converse with the baby, despite the fact that the baby showed a singular disinterest in discussing the thusness of things with me. Then, they would give me wounded looks at my refusal to learn this new lingua franca. When it got to the point where they started talking to ME in this mystery tongue, I had to throw my hands up and claim illiteracy.

"Look! Look! What he is doing now...the clever imp"

THAT was on the second day and, by then, I had stopped rushing to their room in a hurry not to miss the latest miracle wrought by the little one. The miracle would, I complacently thought, be the twentieth time in the day when the little tot had gone on all fours and butted the pillow. I had no clue how the pillow felt about it but I was all done feeling amazed by the feat.

I should have! I should not have waited till the screaming started again - as it did and would continue till I had duly gone over and stood witness to the acrobatic feat - before walking over leisurely. If I had, I may have saved my new laptop from getting drooled over, with the parents ecstatically clapping their hands and beaming with pride at the sight.

I jumped as though a red-hot skewer had been stuck up my...fundament, shall we say?

"Cute, isn't he?"

Cute, I assure you, was not the specific adjective that was on top of my mind at the moment. Unfortunately, there are social norms about hosts and guests, not to mention certain irrational social prejudices about committing verbal or physical mayhem on babies, otherwise...AND the caterwauling that resulted from my rescuing my laptop from its totally unnecessary bath...these modern kids...even for something to drool on, they prefer electronic devices!

Suffice to say that every time there were sounds of ecstasy from them, my BP shot up and I took a hurried inventory of my belongings. Yeah, my phone was supposed to be unbreakable and all that but when the irresistible force meets the immovable - or, in this case, unbreakable - object, who knows what the result would be? Especially since the irresistible force, when resisted, would merely shrug its shoulders, metaphorically, with a 'Nyanyanya' and move on to try its powers on the mirror. If the unbreakable object fails in being so, though, I may...MAY...also say 'Nyanyanya' but THAT would only be because my rage had rendered me inarticulate.

You must be sure then that I heaved a huge sigh of relief when their visit came to an end. You know what...I actually ended up missing that little mite, its smiles, its caterwauling and even its drooling. I am as irrational as the rest of humanity!

26 comments:

  1. Ha Ha. Not a problem of bachelors alone. Even I found it hard to converse with little feller given his singular disinterest in discussing the thusness of things with me though wife kept pushing me to open the communication channels. Over the two years, both me and him have taken baby steps towards making us understandable to each other. I came down to creating a story in the language he seems to understand and he has learnt to acknowledge by duly answering questions related to the story and asking me for an encore every time I am done.

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    1. Good - you know at least one language more than I do :)

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  2. hahaha That made for a really fun read. I can imagine your consternation at having the baby do all those things to you. The drooling, the cooing etc. But like you said in the end it just boils down to the irrationality of still loving them to bits. :D

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    1. Yeah - that irrationality is all that is keeping the human race still thriving :)

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  3. Had so much fun reading this blog..As a bachelor myself, I can totally relate to your experiences..

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  4. Beautiful post as usual.The end says it all.

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  5. hahaha really funny post loved reading it . Kudos to author :)

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  6. hehe!!! Had fun reading this post but adorable babies can wreck havoc, right:)

    https://vishalbheeroo.wordpress.com/2016/06/03/fatglam-shuchi-singh-kalra-on-the-move/

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  7. The thusness of things indeed! And yes, this did cheer me up :D

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    1. THAT's a phrase I was wondering whether it would be understood. :) Good that it served to cheer.

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  8. Ha...ha...ha... poor you! Even after raising two kids (now in senior school), I have feel the same when any tiny tot comes to our house. (you see you have to make your house and yourself baby-safe)

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    1. I need to find an online training program for that, I suppose :)

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  9. Fundament?! Getting politically correct, are we?

    A brilliantly humorous post if ever there was one. Trying to understand babies--can't be done. Parents pretend that they do, but more often than not it is just that--pretending. You are right though, they might have just used you as their personal commode but immediately after that, that beguiling smile will make even that worthwhile...

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  10. This was hilarious !! I can imagine your plight. I was not so hung up on babies for a long time and once I had the fortune of being slapped by one as the mother looked on in adoration;)

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  11. Can I guest post for you? I am teenager and have been into blogging for past 2-3 years and was mainly into tech blogs. But this time, first time I have started my own funny blog, and I am serious on it. I want to promote humour blogs, they are not much popular among people and though I am still updating my blog, but I have done a post, I present things in a good and funny way, in a different style. So please read this-https://khattemeethepal.wordpress.com/2016/06/07/summer-vacation-school-band-masti-chalu/, and please tell where all I can improve, and can I guest post for you?

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    1. Glad to see your interest in promoting humor. I am sorry, I do not host guest posts at all.

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  12. hahahaha Oh god I am laughing so hard at this one ... hilarious read!! oh poor you :D

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  13. LOL..I can totally understand and imagine how hyper that baby must have driven you :P Having two kids of my own, I couldn't stand my sis's toddler (now that mine are grown up)...after 2 months, we all were literally waiting for the little fella to leave..:D. Is your laptop working fine? My nephew plucked the . key out of it :( and 2 others have been wiggling

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    1. So it is not merely the crankiness of bachelorhood? :)

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