Romance on a diet

It was not surprising that Vivek fell in love with Latha. She was such a lovely girl that anyone would have fallen in love with her and almost everyone did. Why Latha fell in love with Vivek was less apparent but all of Vivek’s friends found it easy to understand considering his charm of manner and unfailing good humor.

One look at Latha and the words ‘Slim’ and ‘Graceful’ sprung to your lips. Vivek, however, boasts of having hit up a hundred without lingering too long in the nervous nineties and was well on his way to scoring a big hundred, as the cricket commentators would say. Considering that this was in kilograms and all that weight was slung over a sixty-seven inch frame, ‘Slim’ and ‘Graceful’ were unlikely to be among the descriptive words that sprung to your lips for Vivek. Heaven, where matches are supposed to be made, could have managed a better pairing but it was not to be. One could certainly have wished for a more substantial beloved for Vivek.

With the pairing as it was, however, something had to give sooner or later. It was a wonder that nothing went wrong when the couple sat together to eat. Vivek, as he freely confesses, comes by his weight honestly. There is nothing of the I-hardly-eat-but-keep-putting-on-weight syndrome about him. When he comes to dine, the host’s kitchen definitely knows that he has been and gone. Latha, on the other hand, nibbles daintily at small portions that a mouse would have disdained to notice. Yet, not once did Latha raise a well-manicured eyebrow about Vivek’s devastating ways at the dining table.

The bolt fell while Vivek was dancing with Latha at a party. Strange though it may seem, Vivek loved dancing though the same cannot be said of the other people in his vicinity. It was while he was swinging Latha around in wild abandon that someone said, “Ah! He has a girl with him. I thought he was dancing by himself till he turned and was wondering why he was holding himself so peculiarly.” Cruel as the gibe was, Vivek was laughing heartily at it. If he had noticed the thoughtful expression that clouded Latha’s face, he might not have found it as funny.

Marriage, as someone said, is the process of finding out what sort of a person your wife would have preferred to marry. A woman with a thoughtful expression on her face is a woman who has decided to mould her beloved to suit her preferences. It was time for Vivek to be quivering, all right, but with fear instead of laughter.

The fact that the first clouds had started marring the sun of Vivek’s temperament was made apparent one morning when I woke up in Vivek’s flat after a night of drunken revelry. A monotonous litany of “Day by day in every way I am getting thinner and thinner” woke me up to the dubious wonders of a new day. Lurching out of bed to identify this incredible melting man I encountered Vivek standing in front of a mirror, gazing soulfully at his image and intoning this mindless litany.

I was naturally taken aback. Finding no diminution in the generous contours of mine host, I was puzzled by this statement of misplaced optimism. A further puzzle was that Vivek was suddenly aspiring to a size zero figure. It was then that I was informed of the fateful party and, as we all had long awaited with trepidation, the axe had fallen on Vivek. Latha wanted him cut to size – her size for preference!

Why is it that when men balk at the demands made upon them by their lady loves they are quelled by “If you loved me, you would do this”? When men made the demands, however, they are muzzled by “If you loved me, you would not ask me to do this.” Is it that men are too proud to emotionally blackmail their loves or is it because women have nimbler brains than men and get in their blows first? 

Setting aside this eternal mystery, I asked “But why are you suddenly so sure that you are getting thinner by the day?” The debauchery of the previous day had shown a Vivek in the prime of his powers with the knife and fork as well as with the bottle and, thus, why he should be expecting to diminish by the day was still mystifying.

“You do not know the psychology of the matter”, said Vivek. “If you state confidently that you are getting thinner by the day the subconscious acts upon it and makes you thinner.”

I was taken aback. It would take a subconscious of the character of a Hercules to touch the bare fringes of the task at hand even under normal circumstances. Considering that Vivek would be helping it along by starting every day with half a dozen masala dosas and carrying on from there, one could hardly conceive of any power on earth that was equal to the task.

Running an eye over his sumptuous contours, I said diffidently, “Don’t you think that you are...er…sort of over-burdening your subconscious?”

“All that matters is self confidence”, said Vivek smugly and I retreated abashed.

A few days down the line it was clear that Vivek’s subconscious mind was yet to buckle down and start on reducing his ample proportions. In fact, it appeared as though he had actually continued his march towards his big hundred. This, naturally, begged the question and it was an unnaturally morose Vivek who answered, “I think it is not working because I am not saying it confidently enough.”

“Why?”

“Well! It is a bit difficult to confidently assert that you are getting thinner and thinner while simultaneously planning to go out to purchase the next higher size in jeans.”

What Latha had to say about Vivek’s scientific attempt at reducing weight will always be a mystery primarily because Vivek could only turn beet red and gargle whenever he was asked about it. Anyway, the psychological method was summarily abandoned as was evidenced in a few days.

“Has Vivek taken up a course in nutrition or something?” asked Rohit of the Systems department.

“Why do you ask that? Vivek has always been saying that fooling one university into giving him a degree was sufficient achievement for his lifetime.”

“He has had me program an elaborate chart of various food items and the calories that they contain.”

It dawned on me then that this was Vivek’s new attempt at reducing weight. This also explained his sudden devotion to work at lunchtime causing no end of hardship to the rest of us of the home food brigade who shared lunch with him. Hitherto he had made such inroads into our lunch boxes that we had taken to bringing extra food for him. His sudden disappearance had caused us to over-eat since none of us cared to get back to our spouses with wasted food thereby causing no end of marital strife.

Vivek was dieting! Earthshaking though the revelation was to me it seemed a much better approach than the psychological approach that he had attempted earlier. The only issue was that I would have preferred that he would be less obsessive about it. Ever since I let him know that his attempts were no secret, we could hardly have a conversation in which the calorie content of various edibles would not play a prominent part. It is difficult to enjoy a parantha, say, with someone droning in your ears about how many calories it contained and how much more it would be if it were cooked in ghee instead of refined oil. From being the life and soul of the party, Vivek was well on his way to becoming the office bore.

A visit to his home was a further revelation of the extent of his obsession. His kitchen had turned into a veritable laboratory with measuring jars, weighing scales, pipettes and what not. Up to now his culinary skills were justly praised but this Vivek who sucked in the oil through his pipette to a precisely measured volume, carefully weighed his cereals and pulses, used measured quantities of other condiments and carefully calculated the calories before proceeding with the cooking was a sight for sore eyes. Surely such diligence should have its impact on his weight even if it did make his dishes as insipid as his current conversation.

Surprisingly, with all this attention to controlling calories, Vivek continued to become more spherical by the day. The puzzle would have been totally unsolved but for Rohit seeing Vivek coming furtively out of the local Darshini with that indescribable look of satiety on his face that can only come out of solidly gorging on deep fried goodies. It looked like all the mathematical jugglery with edibles during meal times was being set at naught with clandestine visits to the local eateries for snacks! Vivek, however, stoutly denied that his dieting was being negated by his snacking and even insisted that he had lost a couple of inches around his waist. That, unfortunately, was the moment when his waist button, unable to stand the pressure any further, shot off into the wild blue yonder causing us all to laugh immoderately. He departed in a huff.

Diplomatic relations had not yet been normalized when we assembled for a meeting at the office called by the CEO. Things were pretty grim at the office what with the economy slowing down and the company’s new products failing to strike a chord with the customers. The CEO had called together the marketing team and was seeking suggestions to improve the product profile. Vivek, normally a vivacious and innovative contributor in these feasts of reason, sat silently sunk in deep thought for so long that the CEO felt the need to comment “Vivek! Are you thinking of some serious problem?”

Vivek replied, “Yes! Do you think that if I ate a couple of these biscuits, I would have to skip a roti at lunch in order to make up for it?”

The icy silence that descended on the room probably hinted to Vivek that these were not exactly the pearls of wisdom that the CEO was eagerly looking forward to get from him.

“If Vivek can take his mind off the snacks tray and listen to what is being said, we may continue the discussion”, said the CEO, sarcastically. Vivek had his past record to thank for the fact that the dreaded pink slip did not land on his desk the same afternoon.

“Vivek is too much the happy-go-lucky type to have the discipline to reduce his weight by his own efforts”, said a worried Rohit. “And if he does not reduce his weight soon, he is going to do himself some serious injury. As it is, it is difficult to see him moping around all day when he used to be the sunniest fellow around.”

“True! I can’t see a gym being any help to him, either! All said and done, it is he who will have to go to it regularly and adhere to any dietary restrictions imposed on him”, said I.

Rohit’s face brightened. “Say! Why don’t we pack him off to a spa? Heard of a good ayurvedic spa a few days back from my aunt. Once there, he will have no choice but to eat what they give him and do what they ask him to do.”

That seemed like a very good idea indeed and, the plan having passed the acid test of Latha’s approval, Vivek was indeed packed off. It was with a sigh of relief that Rohit and I returned from the airport expecting to see the hitherto unseen spectacle of a slim Vivek in a fortnight’s time.

The third day from then Vivek was spotted slinking back into his home. Unless the spa had shunned ayurveda and taken up tantrik methods, Vivek could not be any slimmer than he was when he left and it would take really powerful tantra to have wrought any noticeable change in three days. Rohit and I rushed to Vivek’s home in the evening for a progress report.

“Believe me, guys! I was prepared for a Spartan lifestyle when I went there. I did not expect a sumptuous buffet for breakfast. Just a few idlis and, maybe, a couple of vadas – that is all I anticipated. But, a leaf of cabbage and a carrot!” Vivek exclaimed in such horrified tones that we were moved to tears.

It further transpired that lunch and dinner also fell drastically short of Vivek’s ‘modest’ expectations. Apparently, the people in the spa had never heard of cereals and pulses and they did not even know that meat was edible. Food for them consisted, exclusively, of fruits and vegetables. What Vivek had to say on the subject of fruits and vegetables – raw or semi-cooked – is better written on asbestos for any other material would be scorched. It was a novel experience for us to hear Vivek speak in disparaging terms about any edible thing. The humble cabbage faced so much ire that it appeared that Vivek’s wrath would render it extinct as a species.

“The food is but the tip of the iceberg! God! They marinade you in oils, knead you like dough, broil you in steam and bake you in mud. I tell you guys, I had to run away because I felt in imminent danger of being carved for dinner”, said Vivek to our stunned disbelief. When pressed about the point he had to admit that it did seem unlikely that a bunch of cabbage eaters could have indulged in such a gargantuan cannibalistic orgy as Vivek would have provided. Yet, whether it was because of a malfunctioning sense of humor or because he was partially unhinged by his privations, he stubbornly insisted that he ran away only to save his life. Rohit and I exchanged looks that clearly said that Vivek must have been more worried about dying of starvation than by being digested.

“What do you think Latha is going to say about this?” I asked.

Vivek blanched and looked so thoroughly miserable that I did not have the heart to pursue the question. Rohit had clearly given up on Vivek and I, too, felt that he was beyond hope.

We were walking moodily out of Vivek’s flat when we spied Latha steaming in with fire shooting out of her nostrils. If ever anyone looked capable of carving up Vivek for dinner it was Latha at that moment. Rohit, the bloody coward, disappeared so fast that one could almost hear Spock say “Energize”.

The sight of the normally ebullient Vivek looking miserable must have turned my head. It is a fact that the last two months had seen Vivek, who made everyone around him happy, turn into a nervous wreck all because this girl wanted to edit his silhouette. I did not realize how much Vivek’s misery had affected me till I found myself accosting Latha instead of following the eminently sound method adopted by Rohit of avoiding female hurricanes.

“Latha! Listen! Your persistent badgering of Vivek is doing no good. It is time you decided on whether you want him slim and unhappy or fat and happy”, I said.

“Slim and happy”, said Latha.

That is the problem with women. Any man would know when he was being offered a choice of mutually exclusive options whereas a woman refuses to understand it. This, they then boast, is lateral thinking!

“If you are going to swell up and burst, please do it elsewhere”, said this imp from hell. “This is my best dress and bloodstains are so hard to get rid of”, she added pathetically.

“I am just Vivek’s friend and I am unable to stand his misery. You claim to love him and you seem to have no compunction over causing him more misery than he has ever had to face. Don’t you realize that he is the sort of person who lives in the moment and finds it impossible to give up today’s pleasures for a possible future benefit? All that he can manage is to feel guilty every time he gives in to temptation and that is making him miserable” I said angrily. And, then, a happy inspiration struck me. “You want him slim and happy and you will only have him fat and miserable if you persist in your course”, I said, glad that at least this once I had avoided adding to my I-should-have-said-this-then list.

It is also said that women always have the last word in any argument and anything you say thereafter is merely the start of the next argument. Before Latha could get her second wind and burn me to a crisp, I unceremoniously took to my heels. Discretion is the only part of valor as far as I am concerned and the fact that I had been foolish already did not mean that I had to persist in my folly.

Whether my words had a salutary effect or whether the sight of Vivek’s misery melted Latha’s heart will never be known. What did transpire is that they got married within the month with Vivek looking very much his old self in both his contours as well as his temperament.

Latha and Vivek are married now for a year and, wonder of wonders, Vivek appears slimmer than before without any marked diminution in his joy. Looks like women have ways of having their cake and eating it too and, that, without adding to the weight of the one who eats the cake!