Shopper! Stop!

Here we go again! Once again there comes a contest that I really have no reason to compete in but for that unfortunate promise that I made to myself about competing in every contest this year. If I only knew who it was that let Indiblogger know about that promise thereby ensuring that they brought in contest after contest that I cannot readily compete in, I would probably have become a murderer by now!

Paranoid fantasy, did you say? Just check out the list of contests that have been announced. You have a ‘Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage’ contest – just the topic that a 49 year old bachelor has always yearned to write about. Then, you kick in with a recipe contest – what I always dream of writing after having converted my kitchen into a disaster area for the day. And, now, comes the chance to play designer!

I have always had a thing against designers. They seem to be a particularly lazy lot given to taking the easy way out. I mean what is so difficult about designing clothing that makes a John Abraham or an Arjun Rampal look good? Those guys probably look good in the buff anyway and it would take concerted creative effort by a designer to make them look ugly. Now if any designer had designed clothing for me that would make girls drool all over me that would be worth lauding. Where is the designer who takes on such a challenge? Lazy set of sods, as I said! (By the way, will someone let me know why saliva is welcome when drooled on you and detestable when spat? Just asking!)

Without a designer, I would probably do better. My friends do not agree, however. I am not color-blind but my friends delight in saying that it cannot be proved by the clothes I wear. I mean, come on, what is unattractive about electric green trousers and a flame-red shirt? The shirt is even decorated with bright blue forget-me-nots and everyone likes flowers, don’t they? I am sure that my friends are only indulging in their usual pastime of pulling my leg – but who knows whether they are actually reflecting popular taste or not?

Enough maundering! Time to get ahead with the task at hand. Ensemble? Hmmm! Do I go in for the usual three piece suit that was the height of sophisticated dressing of my generation? One problem there, however! I have always felt that it was a pity that the man who first invented the tie was not strangled at birth. Due to this lamentable oversight by his parents, he survived to invent that abomination thereby causing millions of men to strangle themselves with it every day.

About the only sort of ensemble that I can really take an interest in would be something to wear on a trek – considering that it is the only activity for which I feel the need to dress up for specifically. Everywhere else I can manage with the same ensemble that I use for treks.

Let us go from tip to toe on this. The first thing is a cap. Not, as the evil-minded would say, because it hides the fact that I am almost completely bald. On a trek, it does become necessary to save the head from the scorching sun particularly when there is a regrettable lack of insulation for it on top. So, here is the first item on the ensemble.

Next the sunglasses for the eyes! My eyes are magnetic eyes, all right! The problem is that they seem to be of the wrong polarity – instead of attracting they seem to have very strong repulsive powers. That, however, is not why I need them covered. Trekking involves walking in the sun, more often than not, and it is better to shade the eyes instead of getting a headache by squinting all the way.

Why are T-shirts with pockets so rare? If only these people had the experience of trying to pull out a hanky from the pockets of the tracks on a trek and have the mobile taking the shortcut down the mountainside, they would know how useful a pocket can be on the T-shirt. Anyway, this is my selection of a T-shirt – could not get rid of the man in it!

Never underestimate the importance of undergarments. Particularly on treks in the Himalayas where you probably will live in the same pair for days on end – unless you actually like undressing and re-dressing when it is freezing cold. Fail in your choice and you will find what rashes in the wrong places can do to you when you have to keep walking in them.

Ah! The over-garments over the under-garments! Must be obvious by now! Tracks, of course! Since I do not believe in different garments for different occasions I prefer tracks that can fool you into thinking that they are formal wear – unless you choose to concentrate on them. If you do, you are welcome to your discoveries!

Actually, you can get away with any choice for the rest. But comes to socks, you better have them cotton and fresh. Worse than rashes in unmentionable places are blisters on the feet. Unless, of course, you have mastered the art of walking on your hands!

Shoes are as important as socks in avoiding blisters. The grip on the soles is also of relevance unless you actually like slipping off rocks and descending faster than it is comfortable to contemplate. The best trekking shoes come with Vibram soles and Goretex inners – but, then, since my life is not worth as much as such shoes are I make do with the normal running shoes.

Now that completes the ensemble. What the well-dressed trekker is wearing this festive season in the Himalayas! Now, if only my friends will agree with my tastes!