Friday, August 23, 2013

P&M VII - Let us agree to disagree

I strongly feel that whoever invented this "Let us agree to disagree" must have been an optimist. I think of him as an ivory tower type with a belief that real people actually could see that there was some validity in the other person's point of view and, though they believed in the opposite, they needed to be open-minded about the issue. As we all know, real people are incapable of seeing anything except from their own point of view.

Let us get one thing out of the way. Just as two of you are into the pith of an argument and you feel completely sure that you are going to rub the other person's nose in the dirt, there is always a third party busybody who pops in with a "Let us agree to disagree." In this case, there is no real 'us' here since Mr. Nosy Parker was never a party to the argument till he poked his proboscis in, thereby creating agreement in both your minds about how obnoxious he is. Be that as it may, we will concentrate on only those times when there is actually no 'agree' in your minds.

Of course, people have varied thoughts in their mind when they say this phrase and one cannot generalize about exactly what they mean. For example, you could be an ardent fan of Shahrukh Khan while your friend holds this insane belief that Salman Khan is God's gift to women-kind. You know, of course, that she is totally irrational on this issue. You, however, do not feel that this lunacy is about to exhibit itself in her taking the kitchen knife and slashing you into ribbons in the night. As long as you avoid taking her advice on what movies to see, her madness is harmless and, thus, you feel that you can brush aside this argument with a "Let us agree to disagree".

There are times, however, when you feel less inclined to be forbearing. In any corporate meeting you will find someone holding a view diametrically opposite to your own. Much as you may feel like grabbing him by the collar and shaking some sense into him, you are prohibited by the stupid rules of social engagement that are irrationally averse to settling arguments conclusively by physically silencing the opponent. You, of course, know that you can settle his hash logically over a three hour argument. The problem, however, is that your client is unlikely to see your victory over him as a sufficient return on the fees he is paying you (Clients are unreasonable that way). So, if it is a minor point and with a mental note to settle scores with him at a more appropriate time, you grit out, "Let us agree to disagree."

There are more serious issues, however, that crop up between people. When you are of the staunch opinion that the chicken came first and the other person insists that the egg did, there is what is called an impasse. Google is no help in conclusively proving your point and you just cannot let the other person go around propagating a wrong philosophy. The argument could go something like this

"How can there be an egg unless there is a chicken to lay it?"
"How can there be a chicken unless there is an egg to hatch out of?"
"How can the egg hatch unless there is an chicken to warm it?"
"You never heard of incubators?"
"You never heard of Darwin? Incubators came from men and men came after the chicken"

And so on and on into the esoteric realms of Science, Philosophy and any number of '..isms' without a conclusive end till one of you yells, "Let us agree to disagree."

And it is at that exact point that both of you are in total agreement - in concluding that the other person is an opinionated jackass who is incapable of listening to reason.

I am sure you are in agreement with me here. Otherwise, let us agree to disagree!

24 comments:

  1. I only use the phrase when the other person who does not see eye to eye with me is a friend. Friendship is above any trivial or big points that I may score. For the rest, I may be in a good mood, so I let go :). Yep, but I fight it tooth and nail when it comes to work or things important to me. My poor, long-suffering husband would vouch for it :). Seriously good post! You really covered the reasons behind the done-to-death line.

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    1. Thanks Rachna! I have also found that the biggest fights are about things that either party cannot really claim complete knowledge of the facts and, surprisingly, about things that have no impact on their day-to-day lives :) As someone once said, "If someone claimed that the Sun rose in the West, you do not bother to argue because you KNOW that he is wrong" :)

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    2. That, btw, is what I meant the other day in my Status message when I said "you are never more confident than when you are talking of what you have no reason to know about" :) I was using 'confident' sarcastically to mean 'vehement' :)

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  2. "taking the kitchen knife and slashing you into ribbons in the night." - That is the sweetest version of the goriest acts I've read about online today. :D i am in agreement with you, but as coincidence would have it, my next post on Parentous that goes live today is on the same issue, albeit between the 2 parents this time. Let us see what you think of it, and then we can decide whether we 'agree to disagree' or put the kitchen knife to use! :P

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    1. Well - I AM a sweet guy, till I turn sour that is :)

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  3. "other person is an opinionated jackass who is incapable of listening to reason" Thats the best way of putting it ha ha

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    1. Thanks Jaish! Great to know it resonated with you :)

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  4. Awesome post, the fact that you used a sentence like "let us agree to disagree" to come up with a post which kept us reading till the last sentence and not just that, but also to smile at the same speaks volumes for your writing talents.

    In this case, let us agree to agree that this was an awesome post :D

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    1. I am only too glad to agree, Mahabore :) Thanks. In fact I have been doing a series of this and this is the eighth in the list :)

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  5. My marriage rests on this golden premise. And this agreement to disagree is on such trivial issues that we often laugh when we look back.

    I prefer to rest the case with this phrase when I know that the other person is either wrong or too stubborn to look at things from any other angle. Plus I hate arguments.

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    1. All relationships rest on such adjustments :) The point I am making is that the phrase does not mean a Zen state of mind :)

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  6. Bah..with the rules of social engagement...I love a good argument only when the person who is arguing takes it in the right spirit.

    When I see that person is about to cry or is in going to have a coronary..I use that line.

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    1. Hahaha! Now a coronary is one way to end an argument :)

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  7. I agree with you Suresh--wholeheartedly--who wants to be slashed into ribbons?

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    1. Hahaha! I knew I would get people to agree with me - one way or the other :)

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  8. Sometimes physical intervention would solve so many of our issues that we find irksome especially knowing we have reached an impasse. So "let us agree to disagree" becomes a face saving tool!

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  9. I use this phrase when either the issue at hand or the person I have a difference of opinion with aren't important enough to me. And that covers almost 99% of the situations. I never realized that! :P

    Dagny

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    1. Aha moment then? :) Never knew I had it in me :)

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  10. Ha ha !.. and I love this phrase :) It leaves the other person fuming that I pulled this one on him or her..Finito ! There's nothing you can do to change my view ! But of course, I don't endorse being the recipient of this when I am hell bent on the other person agreeing to my point of view !

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  11. I don't know if this was the post of yours missing attendance of your admirers (I am travelling back in time) for I find this one well applauded. Whatever the case, your writing never fails to paste a broad smile on my face, yellowing teeth and all.

    It occurred to me as I read your brilliant exposition on the phrase "agree to disagree" that saying "disagree to agree" is virtually the same and in fact a better expression of the impasse. Do you agree?

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    1. Perfect - 'disagree to agree' is indeed IT, Uma!

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