Monday, March 24, 2014

Problems and Solutions

There are people who never get over the feeling of being called into the Headmaster's office - for, to them, it had always been for the modern equivalent of bending over and getting six of the best on the fleshiest part of the anatomy. You must have guessed that I am one of them, if not the most prominent of them.

I entered my boss' cabin with roughly the same shrinking sensation in the portion just below my back - a primordial response engendered from a vicarious past, where the cane met the bottom, not at all gently, with clockwork regularity. The first thing that catches my eye as I enter is the board that says

ARE YOU HERE WITH A SOLUTION OR ARE YOU PART OF THE PROBLEM?

As usual, I wonder about the quote. Was it meant for my boss himself - since HE was the one who would see it the most frequently? And how does he answer the question?

Maybe the chap came to office every day with a briefcase bulging with solutions and with a torrent of solutions knocking at the slipway of his lips, eager to pour out in a raging Niagara that would wash through the office and leave it a cleaner and better place. For me, though, HE was the problem - the whole of it and not merely a part.

He started, as usual, "We have a problem?"

This 'We' is a very nebulous thing in Boss-speak and needs to be interpreted according to context. When it comes to having problems, 'We' must be treated as meaning 'You'. If, however, the statement is "We have done a good job", then 'We' means 'I'. The conventional meaning applies only in statements like 'We have to go to a meeting'.

Having loaded me with the problem, he dismisses me to unload the next problem on the poor wight who is even now patting his bottom tenderly while waiting in the anteroom.

I come back to my seat to see my subordinate waiting for me.

"There is a problem", he says.

Ah! THAT means HE has a problem and wants ME to find a solution for it. What does he think? That I come to office with a briefcase bulging with solutions and a torrent of solutions knocking at the slipway of my lips waiting to pour out in a raging Niagara that will wash through the office and leave it a cleaner and better place?

28 comments:

  1. YOU ARE THE SOLUTION they are paying for every month! :P

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  2. Well, it is evident enough who comes to office with a briefcase bulging with solutions and a torrent of solutions knocking at the slipway of my lips waiting to pour out in a raging Niagara that will wash through the office and leave it a cleaner and better place, is it not?

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  3. Is this a result of our conversation yesterday?

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    1. No TF! This is a page out of my life :) Though the memory may have been triggered by the conversation :)

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  4. hahahahahaa!!!! so true that is!! A colleague sent me this once- "If you don’t know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues initials on them and pass them along. When in doubt, route.

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    1. Welcome back! We had a similar statement - When in doubt, delegate!

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  5. Wish I could lay my hands on that briefcase. And I am very sure given my unenviable midas touch it would turn into Pandora's box !!

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    1. Hahaha! Now THAT would enliven the office :)

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  6. Absolutely, garner all credit and delegate all problems. It is the mantra of Corporate life :).

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    1. A mantra that I learnt but failed miserably in applying :)

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  7. The Man Friday - A man for All Seasons with Solutions for All Problems :)

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    1. Not at all, Mahesh :) Just another man finding other people to blame :)

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  8. Is this what is called Einstein's Theory of Relativity? The connotation that pronouns such as we or I changing relative to the person who actually uses it ???

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    1. Everything in human relations IS relative :) When you like a person, his sins seem minor; when you do not, minor errors seem like unforgivable sins :) THIS is like that :)

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  9. Boss kabhi wrong nahin bolta. Make him believe in his greatness and continue doing what you want.

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    1. Hahaha! I m NOW past all need to keep bosses happy - having shed them all long back

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  10. Ha ha ! On the dot Suresh ! I am really amazed at the adaptability of the word 'We' in official parlance as it morphs into various forms depending on where and who says it :)

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    1. Quite Ash! There are probably more such protean words :)

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  11. Ha Ha! So well-written Sureshji.
    We have a winning post & no one can contest that (though there's no contest here!) :)
    We, I, he...- Boss-subordinate parlance very rightly expressed :)
    May we have all the solutions to all the problems!

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    1. Those are the only contests I win :) The ones where I am the sole contender :)

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  12. Heh heh heh! You should see what's on the board in my boss's office - DILLIGAD? (Do I Look Like I Give A Damn?). A colleague slunk in one day when the boss was in a meeting and changed it to - DILLIGAF? :)

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    1. Hahaha! Wish I had had a colleague like that :)

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  13. SO SO SO AGREE! :) You know a few years back when I just got promoted to a managerial role, my boss called me to his cabin and said "From now on Seeta you have higher responsibilities, keep in mind now you should learn to be apart of the solution and not the problem"!!
    Reading those exact lines in your post brought back all those corporate memories :)

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    1. Ah! All those wise old sayings have NOW become mere coffee-table conversation bereft of any meaning :)

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  14. Absolutely brilliant. I so much relate with it. We have a problem? Oh, yes. We do. :)

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