Friday, April 27, 2012

The Lament of a Woman

I just do not understand all this trivial discussion about the problems that women have in balancing work and home. Child’s play, let me tell you, compared to the main time-consuming issues that confront us women. Issues that confront us the moment we wake up and do not let go till we get to sleep, if we can get to sleep.

Wake up in the morning and you have this hideous bird’s nest on top of your head. About the first thing you do is to check the pillow to see if there is the fine layer of dust on it – the dreaded ‘D’ word - dandruff! Better you do it than some stranger on the streets with a scalp camera looking to scalp people like you! Uh! Oh! Time for the anti-dandruff shampoo! Now, do you have a sufficient stock of that hair-conditioner around? Can’t show your head to the world with lifeless hair or, God forbid, split ends, whatever they be! You just cannot imagine the number of problems that strands of dead protein can get into nor the amount of effort that goes into making that self-same dead protein look alive!

Never realized the number of life-threatening problems that your face can go through! Some say seven some say ten but, how many ever they be, they have all got to be addressed. Do you really want to go around with damaged skin? Of course not! Unless your skin is fair it has got to be damaged, right? So, on with the moisturizing soaps, moisturizing creams, face washes, fairness creams and the rest. Oh! Peel off that facial layer first! To think that our parents were naïve enough to think of vitamins as something to ingest! Without the use of vitamins all over their faces, no wonder they look wrinkled. (Signs of old age and not of vitamin deficiency? What nonsense! They never even heard of anti-wrinkle creams and claim that at sixty-odd, wrinkles do appear. Excuses! Excuses! )

Till not so long back, that was about all the problems I had to tackle in the bathroom, except the periodic depilation (sounds more scientific than hair removal, doesn’t it?) of the armpits and the legs and those creams for the feet that keep them from developing cracks. But Life does love throwing curve-balls at you, doesn’t it?

When I do wear those sleeveless dresses of mine I had always admired the play of color across my arms. The slightly darker tan, up to where the sleeves usually are, tapering off to the lighter tan above seemed very pretty to me. How was I to know that that was gauche and, if I did not have an even tan all over I would be shunned by society? Much as I’d like to say snootily that, since I don’t play tennis, it doesn’t matter how varicolored my body is, I am not sure that I can carry it off. So, I have to smear body lotions all over now and, let me tell you, if someone has found a way to conveniently reach the middle of the back – other than using a husband or boyfriend – she deserves the next Nobel Prize for whatever! 

I know that I have no intentions of picking up a couple of pompoms and flinging up my hands. So, what do I need with fairer armpits? Maybe this is one thing that I can dispense with. I, however, don’t dare do that unless I intend keeping my hands firmly stuck to my body whenever I wear a sleeveless dress. Just cannot stand the idea of my friends murmuring, “Did you see that? Her armpits are darker than the rest of her body!” and sniggering at me. (Boy-friends? No way! A man has difficulty enough in seeing that his girl has her head completely shaved. Pester him about it and “You look somehow different”, is the most he can come out with. When he has difficulty in even seeing that what you are wearing is a sleeveless dress, do you really expect him to notice subtle variations in skin color? Nonsense! It is the friends of my sex that I am apprehensive about)

Am I done with the bathroom and can I proceed to my dressing table where there is another pharmacy set up to design my face and body? Till about a week back I thought so. Not now! Apparently even my vagina has got to be the same color as the rest of my body. Now that, at least, is safe from the eyes of my friends and I can rely upon men to not be very perceptive, can’t I? One doubt bothers me, however! About the only two things men seem to take interest in are a plunging neckline and the vagina. To be sure, their interest in the latter has not, hitherto, been in looking at it but dare I take a chance? I may be willing to trade in my current boyfriend for a better model but I cannot stand for being the one who is dumped and with cause!

You do not really want to know about the saga of the dressing table or the dress decisions that come thereafter or of shopping for all these. After all this, do you really think that I even have the time to worry about balancing work and home, leave alone actually balancing them? What am I - a juggler?

I envy the previous generation. A bit of shikakai, some turmeric and soap and they were done! They never knew how easy they had it. I can, however, thank Heaven for small mercies. By the time my daughter grows up, they would have found a way to get rid of the unseemly red that mars the lips and the mouth and that disgusting pupil which is of a different color from the lovely white of the rest of the eye! It will probably take a woman two days to get ready for an outing but, then, any sacrifice is worth it to make a proper appearance in society, isn’t it? Thank God, I won’t have to make all those sacrifices! Yet!

20 comments:

  1. absolutely rocking,i have been missing something but now i will follow you
    ps:you forgot the heels!

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    1. Thanks! Btw, Indu, What's with the heels? If you mean Krack cream, I made a passing mention of that:)

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  2. that was hilarious. wouldn't say anything beyond that because i am not sure whether this was just a fun write up or you wanted to convey some message; to the society of course.

    if it's just for fun, then you are in trouble :D.

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    1. It was primarily for fun, Debajyothi..If, however, there is trouble coming my way then I shall claim that it is a social message:):) (after all, you would have seen that mostly my humour posts poke fun at some facets of society:) )

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  3. Suresh, my heart filled with such sadness reading about the perils that the fairer sex has to contend with at every step! Men will burn in hell someday for causing all this to them. ;)

    And, Man, you do have an eye for the detail.

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    1. I know how sad we all feel:) But I only have an eye for ad.s..can't see much of these details being a bachelor!

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  4. Unbelievable! How on earth did you write so well as a woman! Wow! Loved it. Yes, the things one has to do to appear well groomed. You forgot the trips to the parlours for eye brow trimming and facials and upper lip trims :) You write very well!

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    1. Hi Deepa! I was actually taking off on beauty products advertised on TV. That is why nothing related to beauty parlours and all appear!

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  5. Excellent, I thought it was a guest post!

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  6. Oh yes! 18 Again I was terribly miffed with the product and the stereotypes of beauty that get bizarre by the day. In your humorous way; you made your point.

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    1. Thanks Rachna! I always have been doubtful about whether the point I was getting across was getting lost in the 'humor'. You reassure me that I am not totally failing in both :)

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  7. Suresh, I think you need to start writing an advice column for women. We all need your profound words of wisdom.

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    1. The last thing the world needs, Mary! One more person advising about things he knows nothing about :)

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  8. Suresh, yet again, point wonderfully made with your usual brand of humor, and despite the fact that it was womens' beauty products that were being lampooned here, you managed to make it self deprecating humor by putting yourself in a woman's shoes (or are they sandals or floaters, whatever)

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    1. Thank God you did not put me in Stilletos Jairam :)

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  9. B'coz she's worth it!...:P...nicely done, coming from a man kudos!!

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  10. Amazing Suresh ! Could have never guessed this writing could flow through the hands of a man.
    Hmm...are you 'really' the bachelor you say you are or aren't you ;)

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